philsmom – Page 2 – A Mother's Journey of Grief & Loss

My Son Sam Shelton

Posted on 11 January, 2016 by philsmom

Posted in Articles by Michelle, Random Thoughts on Grief Leave a comment

I have been appreciating my son, Sam, more than ever! Having only one son after having two for so long is a strange feeling. I enjoy his antics. I enjoy his voice, expressions and his quirkey personality. He is not really like Phillip at all. He is unique, he is Sam.

I think of the book, Green Eggs and Ham. It is one of Ava's favorite books. I read it at least 17 times a day when she is here. That Sam I am, that Sam I am, I do not like that Sam I am.

When I think of Phil, I think about how much he admired Sam. He looked up to his little brother and wished he could be more like him. He told me several times how cool he thought Sam was. He is right, Sam is way cool. I am so grateful I have him.

Today I want to write about Sam. He writes music. He plays guitar. He attends leadership classes and he has deep discussions with his mom and dad about Spiritual truths. He shares his thoughts on the Universe and how he thinks it all works. It is facinating to hear how his young mind works and processes the world around him. I cannot imagine the world without him.

Sam also eats all of our food, he sleeps over at the houe and doesn't make his bed…it may sound strange but these are the things I often miss about Phil…the normal, every day stuff. I miss it about Sam when he is not here. I cannot imagine my life without Sam.

Each child has a place in the family…they contribute something. Sam is the entertainer. He makes everyone shake their head and laugh. He provides humor and seriousness. This may sound funny because they are opposites of sort. He does though…he has a very deep spirit. He is fun and thoughtful and he is a driving force in the world

Now with Phillip gone, I think I appreciate Sam much more. I had a very deep and special relationship with Phillip. This sometimes shadowed the relationship with Sam. Big brother would always fill the gap between him and mom. Big brother would fight his battles for him and also smooth things over for him. Now he has to do it on his own. I was like Phil was a part of him. I mean really a part of him.

I am looking for the good in my life right now. I am searching for purpose and a reason to go on. Don't worry, I am not that depressed that I would check out…I am just needing to find the joy that is there waiting for me to recognize it. Sam is one of those joys. He contributes to my life. He is part of me. Just as Phil was. I am so happy Sam is my son.

A Brother’s Love – Death of a Brother

Posted on 2 January, 2016 by philsmom

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Phillip and Sam were 21 months apart. Phillip was always the good big brother. He taught Sam by example. He was quiet, gentle and patient. Phil was born this way. He came in with nothing to prove. He was here to enjoy life and other people.

Sam was clumsy, loud and reckless. I don’t mean this in an unkind way. Sam is an amazing child. He simply had “heavy hands” in everything he did from birth. He did not have a soft touch. He jumped in full fledged, feet first and just did it…the quality would come later.

Speaking at the Funeral
At Phils memorial Sam spoke quite eloquently about his big brother Phil. Everyone had been getting up and talking about how they got to know Phil. Sam said, “I didn’t have to get to know Phil. I always knew him.” It was a perfect thing to say.

This was a very true statement. Phil had always been there from the time Sam was born. The overseer, the protector of his little brother. Like his dad. The peacekeeper. The watcher. What stuck with me about Sam was he dealt with the pain of his loss as if one of his limbs had been cut off. We was aloof, alone, tired, disconnected and encouraging. Yes, I said encouraging. It is sort of a weird combination and grief can do that to a person.

He stayed up late at night. Played his music. He wound’t call. Wouldn’t check-in. Didn’t talk to us much. When I talked to him he was busy. I remember calling him at 3:AM one morning when I was overwhelmed with it all. I couldn’t sleep, everyone else was asleep and I felt sick to my stomach and I felt as though I would die. I hoped I would, though I couldn’t, and wouldn’t make that happen for myself. As selfish as I am…I wasn’t that selfish. So I called Sam. The encourager.

“Hey mom.” He answered.

“Hey Sammy. You up? Can you talk? I just need to talk to someone.” I said.

“Sure. What’s up?” He answered.

On the verge of hysteria now, I sobbed. “I just can’t do this. I can’t go on without Phil.”

He was quiet and listened to me cry as he gathered his thoughts and then said. “Mom. MOM. This is the thing mom, (long pause), you had your time with Phil.”

It was a profound thing to say. I clung to it for a long time and I still revisit this saying from time to time. I had my time with Phil. I had my shot. I spent all the time I had.

In that moment I realized. Paul and I had done an amazing job of raising our kids. Teaching them coping skills for the real world. Teaching them a healthy mindset. I don’t know how I did it exactly because I was a red hot mess. Perhaps they got it all from Paul. I knew from that moment on that I had to come through this…for them. For Ava. For Paul. For Josie. For Emma. For Sam. For Marie. Even for my little dog who followed me everywhere and seemed to pick up on my sadness. And for Phil. Although, I hate it when others say what Phil would or would not have wanted….how would they know? I do know Phil would want me happy. I know this because he wanted everyone happy when he was alive. It was his way.

Grief is NOT Logical
Grief is an interesting process. There are so many unspoken emotions. There is zero logic. ZERO. When people try to fix it or give words of advice or how to tips, the words fall on deaf ears. It is pure, raw, unbridled emotion. Not only does it not have logic, it actually defies logic. It is like a dog looking at you when you speak and they tip their head that certain way as to say WTF are you even saying? That’s grief. No understanding. The only path to salvation is acceptance and that takes guts, determination and focus. I don’t think time does it. Although people like to offer up this pat line of “you just need time, or give it some time”, I think pure WILL does it. A mind-set. A decision that you WANT to do it. You want to LIVE.

Unfair Assignments
We now look to Sam to solve the problems that Phil did. To step in and fill Phillips shoes. He doesn’t of course and it is unfair to even have that expectation and this is yet another unreasonable and unspoken quality of grief. At least it has been in our family. Phil was the peacemaker of the world. When people would become emotional, he was the calming force. He brought a sense of peace to those around him. If we would fight he would remind us of our love for each other. If something happened, he would hug and hold. When Sam and I would fight, it was Phil who would step in and reassure me that Sam would come around and apologize for the harsh words he never should speak to his mother. Phil would remind me how much Sam loved me and that he was just upset with the situation at hand. Soon Sam would come walking in with a commanding walk and give me a tight hug. No words. I knew Phil had spoken logic to him and Sam had once again conceded to his big brother. The 21 month authority and respect Phillip had simply by being the first born.

What Sam Learned from Phillip
It must be difficult for Sam not to have that buffer. Not to have a real outside force who always had his back and made sure he maintained the most important relationships of family. He has never said much about it…nor would I expect him to. I am very proud of my only living son. He has handled his brothers death with dignity and grace. Much as if he had lost a limb. He has learned to accommodate and exercise his weaknesses into strengths. I have seen him be loving, tender, and understanding. I have seen him realize that Phil is no longer there to patch things up. He is more aware of his actions and the affect they have on others. He is a dad. A great dad. Phil would be proud. I am proud. His dad is proud.

I know Phil would be so happy that Sam was learning to have the empathy that came to Phil so naturally. That Phil patiently taught him when they were together those few short years. They complimented each other and Phil was a great contributor to Sam’s life and Sam was a great contributor to Phil’s life. Phil would not have done as well as Sam has done with this tremendous loss. He had to be the one to go first as he would have crumbled. Sam is strong and has taught me much since the loss of Phil. I wish Phillip could see what a great man his little brother has become…of course maybe he can. Maybe he can.

My Husbands Grief

Posted on 2 January, 2016 by philsmom

Posted in Articles by Michelle, Random Thoughts on Grief Leave a comment

Recently, my husbands grief has surfaced. It was always there, lying in wait, like a stealth lioness waiting to pounce. He is the strong one. The one who peeled me off the floor and held me when I was sobbing to the point of vomiting. The one who would talk to the kids about processing the grief. The one who would allow. Allow me to talk about Phil anytime I wanted and I knew he hurt to the core for the sadness would show in his eyes. The crows feet became deeper and the headaches became more frequent. Yet, he comforted me. The one who comforted the kids and spoke softly to them about life. Who guided and watched for signs of depression in others. The overseer. The caretaker. The strong one.

Grief Wins
There is no timeline for grief. There is no way out of grief. It can creep up on you…and if you do not acknowledge its presence, it will steal into your dreams and make itself known. It will not be yielded. If you ignore it, it comes from the inside out. It will escape. It will win.

The Longest Journey
On September 1, 2015, it was three years since the Phil we knew and loved left this planet. The journey is long. Exhausting. It is like driving on the longest trip ever….on a winding dirt road with no protection. Perhaps on a motorcycle or a covered wagon. A dirt road that has not been maintained with very few service stations. Just enough to give you fuel to get to the next one. Not a convenance store. For grief is inconvenient. It comes when you least expect it. You are riding along and all of a sudden there is a huge rutt in the road that jolts you to the core. Bumps and sharp turns to make you car sick and signs everywhere. Only unlike most road signs meant to make the journey easier, these signs tend to make the journey more drawn out and difficult. Signs of familiar places and things. The restaurants we used to go to. The tee-shirt you used to wear. The band logo. The songs. The photos. The route I took to your friends house. The look-a-likes. The signs. So many signs that come in all shapes and sizes. They seem to be in neon with flashing lights around them. Yet others go by unaware that there was even a sign. On autopilot zipping down the road. HOW CAN THEY NOT KNOW THE WORLD IS JACKED UP? It will never be the same? Where is the sign letting everyone else know?

The Caretaker
My husbands grief has settled in his bones. He walks a bit slower. He is not as motivated to get things done. The lines on his face are etched deeper. The loss is now part of him. He says things like, “it doesn’t really matter.” He waits for “it” to all be over. He is patient. He won’t say this more than once for he knows it is not allowed. He did say it once though, so I know. He just doesn’t really want to do it anymore. And yet, he will. There is no other option for him. He is the caretaker. The strong one. He will bear his burden. He will support others. He will carry on the good fight. One day rest will come for him. Until then he is a warrior. The strong one. I am thankful.

Breaking Through to the Other Side: Coping with Death

Posted on 9 July, 2015 by philsmom

Posted in Articles by Michelle, Random Thoughts on Grief, Uncategorized Leave a comment

by Jessica Kane

In comparison with the past, people are currently living very fast-paced lives. While this certainly has its perks, it tends to interfere with some of the natural processes people must experience. When a person loses a loved one, he or she needs time to mourn that loss. Even more, that person needs support from other people. There was a time when entire neighborhoods shared in this experience, but that time has long passed. Nevertheless, it is essential for an individual’s well-being to actively participate in the grieving process. While everyone is different, there are coping strategies available to suit each individual.

Participate in Ceremonies
funeral When a loved one dies, it is common practice for friends and families to hold funerals and other goodbye ceremonies. Participating in such rituals will provide individuals with a socially-acceptable venue to safely express their grief. They won’t feel out of place in their tears and sorrow because many others will be experiencing the same thing.

Funerals and memorial services also give people a break from their grief. By sharing funny or heartfelt stories, grieving individuals will be reminded of happier times with the deceased. They may even come to know new and interesting things about that person’s life that they never knew. Such a revelation will paint a fuller picture of the deceased in the minds and hearts of those left behind.

Preserve Memories
One of the biggest fears after losing a loved one is that he or she will be forgotten. This causes people to confuse the pain of grief with preserving a loved one’s memory. However, the length of time a person spends grieving is not an indication of the importance of the deceased.

A more effective way to preserve a loved one’s memory is to create a scrapbook. This is done by organizing pictures and placing them in a book. While sorting through the pictures and other mementos, people will be inadvertently preserving their loved one’s memories in their minds. At the same time, they will have created an item that immortalizes their loved one.

Join a Support Group
It is important to be around friends and family during times of grief. However, there may be times in which a person does not feel comfortable being completely vulnerable with those people. This is where a support group comes in handy.

Support groups provide a structured environment for individuals who are trying to cope with loss. They are places where people can be open and honest without the fear of being judged. They also give each member an opportunity to hear the thoughts and feelings of others. This may provide individuals an opportunity to recognize their own unrealized emotions.

Ultimately, these groups fulfill two basic human needs: the need to receive love and support, and the need to give it.

Exercise and Meditation
It’s no secret that exercise is beneficial for the mind and body. Not only does it boost the immune system, but also enhances a person’s mood. Understandably, exercise provides an avenue for grieving individuals to get a grip on their pain.

Some people consider the physical activity to be a welcomed distraction. While they’re running, dancing, or lifting weights, they find themselves focused on the task at hand. Such a break may be needed if a person hasn’t been coping well with a loved one’s death.

On the other hand, meditation gives grieving individuals a space to quiet their minds. By quieting their thoughts, they will be able to acknowledge what they’re feeling in the moment. If they’re willing, then grieving individuals can stare their pain directly in the face and embrace it. They will stop seeing it as something they need to run from. Instead, it will be seen as a natural part of the human experience that gets easier with time.

Get Creative
Some people have a difficult time putting their feelings into words. Grief is a highly-stressful experience, so it stands to reason that people won’t always have words to explain it. A way to move past this obstacle is through artwork.

Many well-known songs, poems, and paintings were inspired during times of grief. However, even a novice can utilize art as a medium to express feelings about loss. Art gives people the opportunity to externalize their grief. Being able to actually look at what they’re feeling will help people understand those feelings. Understanding those feelings will take a bit of the sting out of them.

Jessica Kane is a professional blogger who writes for Legacy Headstones, a leading Ohio-based headstone manufacturer and vendor.

Picking the scab called Grief

Posted on 24 April, 2015 by philsmom

Posted in Articles by Michelle, Random Thoughts on Grief Leave a comment

Yesterday my husband came home and told me that one of the nurses he works with had lost her nephew. He was 18 and shot himself while his family was at church. All the emotions came up. The pain was intense. I sought out the boy and looked at his obituary and wondered why. Why? I think about everything Phillip had to live for, Ava Rose, a family who loved him and it is upsetting that someone would intentionally take their own life. I find for those who have lost a loved one to suicide, the pain must even be more intense. To have a loved one in so much pain and not be able to stop such an act would generate feelings of guilt and blame. It is easy to think that we could have done something to change the situation.

Grief and loss is a tricky subject.
Each person processes it differently and the emotions are so very raw. It is hard to find logic in grief. No matter how the person died, the sense of loss runs deep into the soul of the people who loved them. I find people struggle with what to say. Sometimes it is easier to just avoid me altogether.

Mourning Again.
I found myself reading this boys obituary and staring at this young mans face. Why was he in such pain that he could find no other way to cope? I suppose even those closest to him are asking that question. I mourned again. For him. For his family and loved ones. For his friends. Why?

Picking at the Scab called Grief
As a kid I remember falling down and scraping my knees and eventually scabs would form once the raw, bloody spots began to heal. My brain would tell me to pick the scab….often it was too early and it would hurt and then begin to bleed. I remember it being painful, not as painful as the initial injury, but painful in a different way. Why did I do that? Why pick the scabs? There was a deep desire for it to heal. Quicker. I wanted to have my nice looking knees back. I didn’t want the ugly scab and I didn’t want the scar it would leave. I somehow thought by pulling it off, it would have less of a scar. In the end, the only thing that helped was to go through it and allow for natural healing. I had to give it the time it needed to heal. There was no way around it. I had to go through it. There were things I could actually do to make the process easier. Soaking in a bath seemed to help some. Lotions helped. And then there was the scar. It stayed for weeks, months and some I still have today, depending on the extent of the injury.

A Broken Knee
One scar in particular I have is from knee surgery. I remember getting it. I was riding a moped in January in Nebraska. I got stuck going pretty fast in some frozen ruts and lost control. I lay in the dark cold for several minutes hoking the horn hoping my mother would hear. I was 11 years old and it was months of recovery. I still have pain in my hip and knee from the injury. My mother found me and took me in and put me to bed. My knee and hip were in so much pain that I thought I would pass out. There was a painful surgery and recovery. I missed months of school. I felt lonely. I missed my friends. I couldn’t run. I couldn’t play with the other kids. I was helpless and at the mercy of my body. I felt I was missing out on life because of this injury. I lay in bed while others did things I could not do. I remember having a resolve in me that I would not stay there. Much like I have now. I was determined to get back to normal activities. In May I did a 26 mile walk in one day to feed the hungry. Probably not the smartest thing. My mother realized very quickly there was no stopping me. Of course my hip and knee were re-injured. My knee swelled to two, or three times its size. I was back on crutches. Over the years, my knee has done well and at times it has also given me fits. When I was pregnant, when I exercise too much or if I turn it wrong. I have pain when I least expect it. For the most part, I have learned to live with it. When I look at the scar from the multitude of stitches and touch it, it takes me back to that moment years before. The pain. The long recovery. The loneliness. I am glad it is behind me. Or perhaps I should say, it is a part of me.

Never like the First Day
So last night when I became obsessed with the 18 year old boy who died. It was like picking a wound on my soul. It was like going back to the moment in time when Phil died. Very painful. I am still thinking of it this morning. The best I can hope for is one day it will be like the scar on my knee….a reminder of the strength and courage I had to go through such a thing. A reminder that I can and do have a strong resolve and that I can and do go through loneliness and come out on the other side. Daily, I will choose to focus on remembering Phillip a different way. Not the pain. I will focus on his daughter, Ava Rose. His smile. His voice. His swagger when he walked. His smell. I don’t want to pick at the wound anymore. I know I will. Awareness is key. Once I am aware I am doing it, I stop and choose differently. I do miss that boy. I miss him to the depth of my soul and the loneliness and pain is not like the first day. It is now a part of me and I will continue to gather tools to support me in living an amazing life.

Suffering is Optional

Posted on 4 February, 2015 by philsmom

Posted in Articles by Michelle, Random Thoughts on Grief Leave a comment

Let’s call grief what it really is, PAIN. Pain hurts and our brain wants to protect us from hurt so we start to shut down. Physically, emotionally, socially. There are many downsides to this, the big one being that all of a sudden our life is defined not by the joy, but by the pain. Everything becomes about pain and sadness. No one does this intentionally and if I had not had a lot of training to be super aware of what was happening in my life, I no doubt could jump into that pit of despair and stay there the rest of my life.

I have had so many people say these words, ” I can’t imagine. I would be a wreck. I would be sitting in the corner sucking my thumb. I really don’t know what I would do if I lost one of my children.”

It seems to be a universal fear amongst parents, not only that they would lose someone they love so much, someone who is genetically a part of them, but that they would lose themselves completely in the process of such a devastating loss. After going through it, I can tell you, I felt the same way.

I remember reading about people who had lost their child. People I knew. People who were strong leaders of their families and communities. I knew them BEFORE. I would EXPECT them to shut down. I would watch quietly on the sidelines and think, it would totally be acceptable if they were never the same again. I could understand it. I would even give them permission in my mind. Not that they needed my permission but I wouldn’t attempt to pull them out of it with coaching or pushing too hard. After all, they are in a fragile state and I don’t understand. How could you ever be the same or better after the loss of a child?

I have been in turmoil over the last few months. Not because Phillip died, because I have let myself go, I am starting to lose myself in the process. I had gained a tremendous amount of weight. I quit working out, my diet has completely gone to the wind….adrift with no rudder. My emotions were all over the place and phone calls to friends and vendors who possibly didn’t even know about my loss, went unreturned. I simply did not have the energy. I felt like a pendulum swinging back and forth between sanity and insanity…every time I would get to the middle and start moving to the other side I would pause and think,“YES, this is where I want to live again!” Then I would fall into a heap and cry over a photo, song or thought of Phillip and the pendulum would once again swing the other way.

I have always prided myself on being balanced. Not so much that I WAS balanced at all times, but that I would seek out balance and the tools to achieve it.

I had watched my father slowly build financial wealth and then destroy it with his lack of discipline with money. He did the same with his body, he didn’t take care of himself and all the strong genetics in the world could not keep him alive after the type of abuse he imposed upon himself. Emotionally? Well, he chipped away at his relationships with his jealousy and emotional lack of awareness. None of these were big things in themselves. He could have mastered each of them with focus and work. Yet, he never sought out the tools to do so. Why? I’m not sure. Perhaps he didn’t feel worthy.

Don’t get me wrong, my father was highly successful, married 63 years to the same woman, 5 children who adored him and were with him on his death bed, people around the state of Nebraska came to know and love him for who he was….what I am saying is, he suffered. I personally know that suffering is optional. It always is. Suffering is a choice just like joy is a choice.

I have known suffering is optional for some time and I have been working with it for years. Working on training my mind to respond to what I want and not the other way around. My mind is running 24/7 and is constantly telling me to do things that are easy, that require little effort, that are habitual. I have and continue to learn to tame my mind. It is like a lion roaring out of control, doing, going and feeling what it wants. Without the lion tamer, complete wreckage will ensue. I know I can not shut my mind off so I choose to form and tame it. In this situation with Phillip dying, the discipline is to first be aware when I am choosing sadness. Then I shift out of it. I am not saying deny my feelings. I am saying feel them and then switch my mind to another feeling of happiness, joy. I have had people ask me how I do this….the how eludes me. The first step is consciousness. Awareness. Then, I just do it and then I know how. It is different each time. Sometimes I must release the emotions and cry until I am a heap on the floor. Then I get up, brush myself off and shift my thoughts to one of my other children or to my grand daughter. People tend to want the easy, quick fix solution. There isn’t one.Like anything worth having, there is no magic fairy dust, this requires thoughtful, focused work and constant awareness of everything from behaviors to language and the people I choose to hang with and how they support me.

The next time you have something where you feel sad, go ahead, go there….just don’t stay too long. Remember, suffering is optional and so is joy, no one will take away your right to suffer. Shifting is how I will create an amazing life AFTER my son died and if I can do it, you can too!

What I love about my Husband

Posted on 3 February, 2015 by philsmom

Posted in Articles by Michelle, Random Thoughts on Grief, Uncategorized Leave a comment

I was thinking about Phil the other day and it got me thinking about my husband. Phillip was so much like his dad….it was one of the things I loved best about him because Paul is such a great guy. There are so many things that I love about him. We will be married 26 years this year and I feel so very fortunate to have found such a great man. What is great about him? Well, there are so many things but let me tell you a few of my favorites.

1. He is strong. I have seen my husband pick up freezers by himself. He has the strongest legs I have ever seen on another human being. He calls them chicken legs but I can tell you, he has legs of steel. He is also strong in character. This to me is the most important. When he sets his mind to something, he follows through and completes it. Not very many people do that. Paul does.

2. He is funny. He is one of the funniest people on the planet. I think he should have done standup. He seriously comes up with some funny stuff. My brother has been staying with us and he said he never realized Paul was so funny. I absolutely love that about him. He has a quick wit and great sense of humor.

3. Paul is loyal. He is one of the most loyal people I have ever met. He is like your favorite Golden Retriever…not to make light of his loyalty. It just reminds me of a Golden Retriever….those are the best dogs ever because they will always be by your side. This is Paul.

4. He loves his wife. He is kind and giving to me. He treats me well and he doesn’t mention when I gain weight or I am bitchy (most of the time). He also doesn’t let me get away with too much and he will take a stand. He is not wimpy in any way! I don’t like wimpy men! I like it that he will only let me get away with so much.

5. He has great hair. I love his hair. It is curly and soft. I love having my hands in it…since I have been cutting his hair for 26 years, this is a good thing. I just love touching it.

6. He has a great love for his family. He has done an amazing job with his children. The girls respect themselves and will wait for a man like him, solid, honest, and noble. His girls will not accept a man who treats them poorly. They won’t allow a man to cheat on them. Why? Because their dad was a great example of a man. He son admires him and hangs on every word he teaches.

7. He has this boyish charm. He has this thing he does that allows me to see what he was like as an 8 year old. It is so adorable. I am sure he wouldn’t like it if he knew I called him adorable but it is adorable. He doesn’t even know when he is doing it but I can look at him and see what he was like at 8 years old and I love it.

8. He has been a rock since Phil died. What I mean is he has cried with me, laughed with me, held me, given me space, not judged me and accepted me. This alone is worth the world as I know I have not been easy.

9. He is a hard worker. From the day I married him, he has always worked. He says it is because I told him he had to work…not true. He is a worker. He has always been a worker. He gets amazing things done by himself and with very little support. He can build nearly anything and if something is broken…he has it fixed in no time.

10. He loves his sons. He loved Phillip so much. He always worried about him and cared for him. He offered guidance and support along the way and there were times when he was proud of him and times when he was not. I know he carries guilt around this but it was what makes him a great dad. There are times when you know your children are able to do more and do better…that they are not living up to their full capacity and you push them to do better. Paul wanted Phil to do better and Phil was doing better in life. He still mourns the loss of his oldest son….because he loves his son and misses him.

I think I could continue on with this for quite some time. The point is, I am very fortunate to have selected a life partner that is amazing. He would do anything for me and has put up with sickness, financial strain and loss of both of our parents. Now the loss of our precious son. I am happy to call him my husband and go to sleep and wake next to him each day. Thank you Paul Shelton for loving me right where I am.

Taming the Mind is Key in Grief Recovery

Posted on 24 December, 2014 by philsmom

Posted in Articles by Michelle, Random Thoughts on Grief, Uncategorized 2 Comments

jaw surgery — Emma’s Jaw before Surgery.

Five years ago I was talking to our youngest daughter, Emma, and she threw her head back and laughed. In that moment I felt sheer terror. When she tipped her head back I was able to see an awkwardly grown jawbone jutting out the wrong way. I wasn’t sure what it all meant but it was the beginning of my awareness that something could happen to my child. Was it a tumor, cancer, a bone disorder or disease? My child’s very life could be at risk.

Oh My God, I could Lose my Child!

When my children were young I would put them to bed and after they had fallen asleep I would simply watch them breathe. Slow, steady, in and out. It was hard to imagine that it was so automatic and I had a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me something could happen. Like all mothers, I shove that thought back, somewhere deep in my mind, for it was a much too painful thought to even entertain.

Pushing Through Fear

Fast forward five years from the day I first noticed Emma’s deformed jaw. Paul and I sat in a ready room at the hospital with Emma, now 18 and a freshman at Arizona State University, and listened to her Craniofacial Surgeon discuss the possible outcomes of her double jaw surgery. My brain was reeling when both the surgeon and the anesthesiologist spoke of the possibilities of breathing problems, breathing machines, swollen throats, upset stomach and solutions to possible vomiting with a jaw that was banded shut. Then there was talk of possible nerve damage in her face. I wasn’t able to contain the fear, grief and sadness I felt to the depth of my soul. Tears streamed down my face as I sat quietly and listened. The surgeon became increasingly aware of the woman sitting in the back watching things play out and soon the connection was made and she too was tearing up. She had been seeing Emma for five years and was aware of some of the things our family had endured. She knew I was normally a hard driving woman like herself, who asked direct questions and wasn’t afraid to chime in with my opinion. Now I sat, broken, defeated in the corner of the room, feeling helpless.

Moving through Life at a Normal Pace

When we first met with this surgeon, she was very mechanical. She had been on this path with us now and when we first met, we were a happy family and were moving through life on our very normal journey. We had sustained the normal losses in life of both grandfathers and we had read about other people’s losses and continued on…it was something that “those” people went through, not us. So although the discussion of jaw surgery somewhere down the road was discussed, it wasn’t real because it was years from that moment, not until Emma had quit growing. At the time, Emma, was in seventh grade and barely 13 years old.

Now the day had come. Five years later, Emma had been through so much. Heck, we all had. The loss of her grandmother in 2010. In 2011, her sister, who was 24 months older, had suffered seizures from a brain tumor and had been through major surgery to remove the tumor. Then the ultimate loss of her 22 year old brother, Phillip, in 2012. There had been financial struggles endured with the tanking of the real estate market and as I sat in the small hospital room waiting to hear how Emma was doing, I thought I simply could not endure any more. My stomach had been giving me fits since a year after Phil had died. I had been scoped and prodded more than I care to admit and now receive a pretty high dose of medications daily. I had gained nearly 45 pounds and I have had two sinus surgeries since Phil died two years ago. My lifeline was Phillip’s beautiful baby girl, Ava. Ava, who’s mom is from Turkey and had taken her to Turkey for six months. Another huge loss.

How Much can one Family Endure?

How much can one family endure? I silently asked myself as I sat in the waiting room after they wheeled my girl away. I was feeling victimized by life. Then it struck me. One family can endure so much more. I have one friend who had two children and lost both of them. Years ago I did a woman’s hair and I learned of the loss of three of her children in one car accident. Another friend, who lost her son, left her a precious grandson. Two years later this amazing grandson had died in a drowning. So the answer was, I could endure so much more. Suffering is always optional.

I certainly won’t say I haven’t done my fair share of suffering. I have. My husband constantly and patiently reminds me that suffering is of the mind. At times I have a difficult time grasping this concept when I am in the middle of my grief. I know in my brain it is true. I have experienced it. If I am directing my attention to something else, if I am living in the moment, I am not suffering. I don’t think about the past of the horrific car accident and how Phil died and I don’t think about the future of all the lost moments I wouldn’t share with him.

Living in the Moment

Disciplining my mind also disciplines my emotions. Living in the moment is the key. I miss Phillip so very much and I worry about my other children. What if I lost another? I don’t think my soul could bear it. And the fact is, I haven’t lost another and much of the suffering comes from imagining the unimaginable. It is a constant battle with my mind to adjust it to recognize how blessed I am NOW and to enjoy the small moments I share with Paul and each child and with Ava, NOW. I have Phillips baby, Ava. I have my other children and a saint of a husband. I have amazing friends and a very large support system. I am a very fortunate woman. So when someone says to me, I cannot imagine, how do you get through the day? My answer is, I breathe in and out and I focus on the moments I have today, the moments I have right now.

Learning to Care Again

Posted on 26 November, 2014 by philsmom

Posted in Articles by Michelle, Random Thoughts on Grief, Uncategorized 2 Comments

25 Years of Marriage

My husband Paul and I just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary on the 22 of November, 2014. We went away for a few days and stayed in a cabin. We worked, ate, drank and relaxed. We went thrift store shopping and antique shopping and tried a few restaurants. It was a fun little trip. It has been difficult since Phil died. We are often quite tired and these little trips have become our escape from the reality of our life without Phil.

How we got Married

While we were together we discussed how our lives had taken such a turn of events with the loss of our child. Phillip was who really brought us together. We were young and frivolous and didn’t date long and I became pregnant. Believe it or not, I was fairly old fashioned and when Paul mentioned living together, I was not happy. I think I said something about being good enough to sleep with but not good enough to marry. He was taken back by this. I was okay with raising a baby on my own. I certainly didn’t want him to feel trapped or marry me “just” because of the baby. I adored Paul and saw the potential future we could have together.

My Father was not Happy about the Marriage!

At that time, Paul assured me that I was good enough to marry and that he was simply afraid of marriage. His brothers had all had failed relationships and he was a bit frightened by the lifetime commitment. He must have given it some serious thought because a few nights later, he proposed and I said yes. My father was mortified. Who was this guy who had swept me off my feet so quickly? What did he have going for himself?

We Made it Through the Tough Years

Fast forward 25 years. When I look at the overall picture of our marriage I can say, I am happy with it. We struggled through some rough times when we were married around the 17-18 year mark. We both had become very victim. We struggled with Phil and his drug use. He was a bad example to the other kids, a challenge for us as parents. He had run away and we spent a fortune wanting to save Phillip from himself. We attacked and blamed each other for how the other parented. We felt helpless during those times. Not a good course for a marriage to go. Around this same time we started participating in a lot of intense personal growth classes and we somehow muddled through those dark years and came out on the other side, much stronger, responsible and proud of the longevity of our time together.

The Weight Gain and Emotional Eating

I have noticed that when couples are married a long time, they take on each others habits. Especially exercise and eating habits. Paul and I began to discuss this over the weekend. We both have gained a tremendous amount of weight since Phillip died. I personally have packed on the pounds at an alarming rate. Everyone keeps saying, don’t worry you will take it off later. I have never been a very good later type of person. I even went to my doctor and his solution was to put me on anti-depressants. I gracefully declined and packed on another five pounds. I want to be thin and healthy and yet, thin takes work. It really does. Once you are thin, it is conscious eating and drinking habits to maintain. I was thin when Phil died and I felt good and my clothes fit well and I knew what was going in my mouth the majority of the time. I was operating from choice. So why don’t I just stop eating like this? My brain is so preoccupied with the grief, my eating has gone back to the autopilot it knows. I told my coach it was like I had a grief app open in my brain and running all the time in the background. It requires so much energy that it simply drains my mind and body

Wise Comments from my Husband

While discussing our personal goals for next year, Paul said, “My biggest problem is I have to figure out how to care again.” For those of you who have not lost a child, you might not understand this. It is easy to give up caring and just walk numbly through the day. The struggle is to keep going and push through the pain each and every waking moment and look for the blessings of life. The new grandchildren, Ava Rose, our children’s successes, our marriage.

So many people have compared the loss of Phillip to the loss of their dog or a parent. I certainly don’t want to diminish anyone’s loss. I simply have lost both parents and several pets including horses and dogs who were great companions, and it is just not the same. As a matter of fact, for me it is not the same at all. I knew when I got a pet that I would most likely outlive them. I didn’t have hopes and dreams for my pet. They were a pet.

As for my parents, they were older than me and from the time I was a small child, I pretty much figured they would be gone before me. I didn’t have hopes and dreams for them either. My relationship was complete with them. They had lived a long life and would get old and die…that is exactly what they did. It was the normal cycle of life. Did I miss them? Yes of course. Did I grieve their death? Yes I did and it was not like that with Phillip.

With Phillip, something inside me died. There is a deep ache to hold him, to talk to him, to love him. I want to see him get married and chose a career. I want to hear his laugh. When I tell this to my friends they tell me to talk to him. Well of course, I do things like that and yet, it is not the same, it will never be the same and my husband is right, I have to figure out how to care again. I simply don’t give a shit about taking care of myself.

The Slippery Slope of Giving Up

As you can see, this is a slippery slope. If I do this for five years or ten, where will I be? I am already 40 pounds overweight. I eat too much, I drink too much and have completely stopped exercising. I say I want to kick griefs ass and yet based on results, most days, I am tired and simply can’t reach down into that part of my spirit that cares. Just getting up and muddling through my day is what I can do, it’s all I can do for now. Some say I am depressed, others want to save me from myself. They have thrown me ropes and I would rather sink in the quicksand. Is this a victim mentality? Perhaps. Why would anyone want to suffer? I would say because it is normal.

The problem with people wanting to save me with a story about their pet is, they have no benchmark. They have their children. They think they can compare the loss of a dog to the loss of my son because it is the closest thing they have to connect with me. I appreciate the gesture but the best thing one can do is not talk about the loss of their dog. It isn’t the same and it is difficult when in a weakened emotional state to hear this comparison. It’s a dog.

The Body’s way of Dealing is Autopilot

It is normal under pressure for humans to go on autopilot. This is what I have done with my eating habits. I have found that I don’t operate from choice now. I operate from habit. I am medicating my emotions with food and this tells me I have some work to do. Not only emotionally but now physically too. It is going to take discipline and diligence to get the weight off in the first place and then I must act consciously choose my food wisely. I have to make it fun because right now, it isn’t fun.

The mind is a powerful thing. The wonderful thing about the mind is I have the ability to change my life. I can change my thinking and my life will change. I have been looking for the blessings in Phillip’s death. Yes, you heard me. There are many blessings. If Phillip were still alive I would not have developed the amazing relationship I have with my son Sam. I am excited about this relationship as Sam is an amazing young man. So today I choose to thank Phillip for giving me the opportunity to love my son Sam like I never could have if Phil were still here.

As for the weight, well, after Thanksgiving I am ready to tackle it. Right now my focus is on caring enough to get through today and to look for ways to get out of the quicksand.

Please leave a comment on this site if you found this writing helpful.

I’m so lucky!

Posted on 21 November, 2014 by philsmom

Posted in Articles by Michelle, Random Thoughts on Grief, Uncategorized Leave a comment

I am so lucky. I was thinking about everything that happened and how it is circumstances. I can never change the circumstances yet I can choose how I handle those circumstances. I really am fortunate. I am fortunate that I had 22 years with such a great kid. He taught me so much. He loved me. He helped me learn. I loved his smell, smile, quirks and enjoyed being around him. He had this great laugh and I am fortunate to have caught on video and audio. I loved watching him grow and I remember the days of getting clumps of flowers presented from his little chubby fists. His smile would brighten the room and my heart would skip a little when I saw him do something really kind. He brought me so much JOY. Pure joy. Of course this fullness and richness is is why I miss him so much too. It pains me more to think of never having him at all for my life would not be complete.

Lucky? How Can She say She is Lucky?

I know some of you might be reading this saying to yourself, how can she say she is lucky? I can say it because it is the truth. When I look at that cute little face in the photo on the left, it seems like it was a hundred years ago and yet it could easily be yesterday.

There are Many Paths from Which to Choose

If you have a path to go down…there is always a starting point to that path. At the beginning of this particular path my son died. From there I can go into sadness, grief, loss. I could turn to drugs, alcohol or overeat and all of these would eventually lead to my painful demise. I could choose another path and be bitter, unhappy, and fall into the depths of despair. I could choose the path and destroy my relationships and divorce my husband or blame him for the accident and distance myself from my children so if it ever happened again, I wouldn’t hurt this bad. I could easily justify any one of these things. There are several paths I could choose and at the beginning of each one…my beautiful, outgoing, charming Phillip is dead. Gone. Forever.

What Path do I Choose?

The only logical choice for me is to choose JOY. I choose to live. Not just breath and be alive but to really LIVE. I choose to have Phillips life matter. I choose to have MY life matter. I love him so and I miss him of course. I love all of my children with my entire being so this is my chance to be a great mom, to show them how to grieve fully, completely….it hasn’t been pretty at times and I am proud of being able to muddle through to the other side. Everyone we love and interact with will die. It is the only thing we can be sure of, so I choose to live today and improve my life today and it is my hope that those around me will have improvement in their lives simply by being around me.

I hope your troubles are small today. I hope you have all of your family together for Thanksgiving and you look around the table and not only give thanks for the food but for the company. I hope you really look each person in the eye and connect with them without saying a word. You never know when they will no longer be there or you will no longer be there and that connection can be magical.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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