I am so lucky. I was thinking about everything that happened and how it is circumstances. I can never change the circumstances yet I can choose how I handle those circumstances. I really am fortunate. I am fortunate that I had 22 years with such a great kid. He taught me so much. He loved me. He helped me learn. I loved his smell, smile, quirks and enjoyed being around him. He had this great laugh and I am fortunate to have caught on video and audio. I loved watching him grow and I remember the days of getting clumps of flowers presented from his little chubby fists. His smile would brighten the room and my heart would skip a little when I saw him do something really kind. He brought me so much JOY. Pure joy. Of course this fullness and richness is is why I miss him so much too. It pains me more to think of never having him at all for my life would not be complete.
Lucky? How Can She say She is Lucky?
I know some of you might be reading this saying to yourself, how can she say she is lucky? I can say it because it is the truth. When I look at that cute little face in the photo on the left, it seems like it was a hundred years ago and yet it could easily be yesterday.
There are Many Paths from Which to Choose
If you have a path to go down…there is always a starting point to that path. At the beginning of this particular path my son died. From there I can go into sadness, grief, loss. I could turn to drugs, alcohol or overeat and all of these would eventually lead to my painful demise. I could choose another path and be bitter, unhappy, and fall into the depths of despair. I could choose the path and destroy my relationships and divorce my husband or blame him for the accident and distance myself from my children so if it ever happened again, I wouldn’t hurt this bad. I could easily justify any one of these things. There are several paths I could choose and at the beginning of each one…my beautiful, outgoing, charming Phillip is dead. Gone. Forever.
What Path do I Choose?
The only logical choice for me is to choose JOY. I choose to live. Not just breath and be alive but to really LIVE. I choose to have Phillips life matter. I choose to have MY life matter. I love him so and I miss him of course. I love all of my children with my entire being so this is my chance to be a great mom, to show them how to grieve fully, completely….it hasn’t been pretty at times and I am proud of being able to muddle through to the other side. Everyone we love and interact with will die. It is the only thing we can be sure of, so I choose to live today and improve my life today and it is my hope that those around me will have improvement in their lives simply by being around me.
I hope your troubles are small today. I hope you have all of your family together for Thanksgiving and you look around the table and not only give thanks for the food but for the company. I hope you really look each person in the eye and connect with them without saying a word. You never know when they will no longer be there or you will no longer be there and that connection can be magical.
Happy Thanksgiving!