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Losing a spouse or loved one often complicates finances, socializing, and even physical health. Often, your stress levels are elevated, and as a result, you start losing more sleep. Getting quality sleep can help you in many ways. Here are some useful items to help you sleep better.

1. Air purifier

Studies have shown that household allergens, chemicals from cleaners, and even furniture flame retardants can pollute the air in your home. Cleaning up the air and reducing allergens or irritants is a critical part of getting adequate sleep and feeling better. An air purifier can help you expel some of the toxins in your home. There are purifiers of all sizes and prices that will best meet your needs.

2. New mattress

Chronic pain from arthritis or other conditions requires a mattress that is simultaneously soft enough to cushion pressure points and joints, while also providing firm enough support. A new mattress can help you sleep more soundly and comfortably. If you’re experiencing excessive back pain or other problems with your sleep, a new mattress might be in order.

3. Sleep mask

According to Shape, sleep masks can help improve the basic biology of your sleep by improving melatonin production and reducing light disturbances. Some sleep masks can even help muffle noise. A good sleep mask should fit comfortably around your head without hurting you, and rest on your eyes in a way that it covers up any excess light.

4. White noise machine

Sources suggest that an important part of any bedtime routine is including things that help to relax you and reduce your stress. The gentle sound of a white noise machine can drown out background disturbances and give you something quiet to focus on as you fall asleep. Some white noise machines are no larger than your palm and can be placed on a bedside table.

5. Cooling pillow

If you’re one of those people who likes to flip over the pillow to get the cool side, you’re in luck. Research has actually demonstrated that cooling off the head and neck area is an important part of increasing the amount of sleep you get. Thanks to modern technology, there are cooling pillows that maintain a constant temperature, and help you stay asleep and regulate your body temperature.

6. Blackout curtains

Articles on building sleep routines often recommend that you find a way to reduce excess light. Light from electronics can interfere with your body’s natural production of melatonin, a chemical which helps you feel tired and sleep well. Blackout curtains are a great way for you to give your room a sleepier feeling without having to change up too much. You can always open them up in the morning and enjoy the light.

7. Fans

Our bodies naturally cool themselves down slightly when we sleep, which is why using a fan to circulate air and help cool things down can be beneficial for sleep. Some fans are specialized bed fans that blow air under the covers. You can also get a regular rotating fan to circulate air throughout your room. If the fan dries you up, get one with a timer on it so you can fall asleep to the noise of the fan without feeling like you’ve fallen asleep in the desert.

These tools can be extremely useful for improving sleep in the wake of losing a loved one. However, making lifestyle changes, like exercising and avoiding unhealthy food, is also important to work through grief and get quality rest. Sleep may be difficult to come by at first. As you continue over time to take care of yourself, you too can enjoy the benefits of sleep.

The death of a loved one is one of the hardest experiences anyone has to face in their lives. The process of grieving is an emotionally taxing one, as you learn to live your life without the presence of someone who was an important part in it. While there is nothing you can do to accelerate this process, or to make it easier, a change of scenery can have certain benefits.

Before choosing to move after a loss, it is important to understand the pros and cons of such a decision and the steps you will have to take to make it a reality.

Should I Move After A Loss?

Ultimately, the choice is yours. It is important to bear in mind that immediately after the loss is not a good time to be making big life decisions. You are emotional and vulnerable, so it’s best to wait a while to let the initial shock wear off. Some end-of-life experts recommend six months, but this can vary.

Some people may feel the need to run away from a house with too many memories, which is an understandable impulse. If you have the resources, consider taking a vacation for a change of scenery rather than making a more drastic permanent choice. If you do decide to move soon after a loss, make sure you have the support of friends and family for the taxing process of moving.

Finding A New Home

It’s a good idea to first find out how much your home is worth. Online tools can provide you with an estimate so that you can a good idea of what you can afford. Factors that will come into play include:

• Size – Many people downsize after a loss, either due to the financial strain of a loss of income or due to a desire to avoid a house that feels too big.

• Area – You will want to move somewhere with a good support network following your loss. Is there anywhere you can go where you will be surrounded by family and friends?

• Aging In Place – If you are a senior or getting close to becoming one, it is a good idea to look for a house where you will be able to age in place.

Getting Rid Of Items

Perhaps the hardest part is going to be getting rid of your loved one’s possessions. You will need to strike a balance between keeping things that matter to you and getting rid of things that are too painful to keep. Perhaps more importantly, you will need to distinguish between beloved memories and meaningless stuff.

This detailed guide by What’s Your Grief includes some excellent advice on how to proceed, including categories to use, how to rely on friends for help and processing emotions.

Moving and Settling In

Once you have chosen a new house and sorted through your loved one’s possessions, you have to move. This is a logistically complicated process, so make sure you have a checklist to keep yourself organized and plenty of help from loved ones.

On an emotional level, it may be hard to leave a house that houses so many memories with your loved one. There are many ways you can say goodbye to achieve a sense of closure and comfort: choose one to do in the days before the move.

Getting a fresh start after the loss of a loved one can seem like an immediate priority when you are overwhelmed by grief. However, it is important to make big decisions in a responsible manner that sets you up for a stable, long-term situation.

Avoid rushing into a move right away and instead, take some time to consider how and where you would like to do it. Take your time, process your feelings, go on a vacation if you need a change of pace, and plan out a move with a clear head and the help of supportive friends and family. This will allow you to find the best new place for you and your family, where you can make new happy memories and move forward.

Holidays Past – Missing a Loved One Who is Gone

I remember past Holidays having our whole family together and feeling so good. So thankful. I felt proud of the amazing life we had together.  I would look at my husband and children all laughing, having a good time.  I would pull out Christmas decorations and clean and listen to Christmas music as I set up the tree. Before Phil died, they were all on the verge of adulthood finding their way in life. They were playful and would be joking together. I remember being so grateful to have them. That feeling of joy. A sense of peace that all was right in my world in that moment. We were all safe and we were all together.

It occurred to me that many families had sickness, pain, divorce and even death. I knew it would shadow our home someday and as most parents, I hoped it would be years away, a natural progression of either Paul or myself that died first. I couldn't imagine it being one of my children. 

Changes in the Family Dynamic when a Child Dies

When a person dies, it changes the family dynamic. Our family is different now. There are several threads of sadness in the fabric of our Holidays. We get together, cook, share a meal and we light a candle for Phil. A candle some of us didn't want to blow out at the end of the day. There is an unseen, unspoken threat to our happy time together. It is there the entire time, shadowy, lurking, big, and looming. Yet unacknowledged. Silent. Like an iceberg. We only show each other the tip. The surface. What is above the water.  The real danger lies beneath all of us. Typically anger or hurt comes out and the deeper we go into the depths, the more the uncontrollable sadness shows up. Sad to the core. We are all good at NOT speaking about Phil other than the candle because for some of us, it triggers involuntary tears. It triggers acknowledgment of what lies deep down below the surface. There is danger there. We may not make it back to the surface if we go that deep.  

The Thanksgiving Family Photo without Our Loved One. 

Every year we have taken photos of the family on Thanksgiving. It is somewhat of a tradition and this year was no different. Though I do think it is the first year since Phil died that we chose to take a family photo. It is simply too difficult to have the empty space in the photo where he should be standing. We did it. Most of us were able to push aside the missing loved one long enough to smile and not think how messed up it was that Phil wasn't there. I kept thinking our photo was no longer balanced.  Two brothers, two sisters and mom and dad with the baby. That is how it was always done. We are forced to do something different and make it work. I justified in my mind that now it should be more balanced with an even number of people…except I knew it wasn't right.

The Missing Piece of the Puzzle. Phil.

I realized Phil was my helper. He would run to the store and get the last minute items I forgot. He would take out the trash. He would get on the phone and let everyone know when the Holidays were and give them the details. He was always the first one there. He would enroll his siblings in coming to mom and dads house. Now that falls on me and it is awkward. For some reason, we all love each other, but when we get together, we think of Phil. Some of us project our sadness and anger on each other during the Holidays. Others avoid it altogether and make an appearance and then leave. Some have nearly abandoned the "new" family that was created when Phil left. They have gone and found other families to spend the Holidays with so they don't have to face the death of the sibling demon or deal with the sad mom. Yet another has decided to spend time with "just" mom and dad and reject the ways of the ungrateful siblings. Each is coping in their own way. 

The Solution to a Grieving Family at the Holidays

There could be a solution. I'm not sure. Some say it takes time. Others say we go through the sadness. Others say you never get over it. I think I can choose. I am more of the mindset that you go through it and take it in the moment. Lean on each other and cry. Hug each other and smile. Remember Phil in a grateful manner and be grateful for what and who we have now. Of course, it isn't up to me as each person has their own way of grieving. Some of my kids don't want to bring it up. If they put it somewhere safe in their mind and close the door, it will go away. Sounds logical, right? Only the mind knows it is still there, lurking behind door number 1. The door that becomes larger over time.  At some point, I fear they will be forced to fling that door open and deal with what lies beyond it.  I have come to the conclusion that I don't have a solution to this problem. I will love my children. Invite them to the Holidays. Do what I can to keep our family close. They will learn to cope. Coping looks different to everyone. Some struggle more than others. There is no right way to cope and there isn't only one way to cope. There are, however, effective ways to cope and ineffective ways to cope. 

What is the Take Away for You?

Right before Phil died, I was coaching and loving it. My husband and I had worked hard to turn our turbulent marriage around with massive amounts and years of personal growth training. I was contributing to the community and doing community service. I was at my ideal weight and looked better than I did in my 30's. At 49 I looked good, felt good and had built an amazing marriage and relationship with my children. I was taking on my greatest love, public speaking, training, coaching. My husband had just left his job he had been at for 20 years to come sell real estate with me. We were making more money than we ever had and building a productive real estate team. We had a nice home in a highly desired neighborhood that we had remodeled over the years. Our kids were all thriving. We had our granddaughter that we adored and we spent the majority of our free time with Ava. 

A week before Phil died I would never have believed I could go as low as killing myself. That wasn't even in my realm. There are so many suicides during the Holidays. I get it. The Holidays bring up memories of past Holidays when there was joy, love, comfort and family time. If someone doesn't have that now, it creates a deep sense of loss. Suicide is where people go when they have no coping skills. They don't have the mindset tools needed to cope. I know how to cope with life's ups and downs.  I have those tools. I  think people who kill themselves often see no way out. It could be financial problems. Poor relationships. Poor Health. Emotional struggles or at a deeper level, it could be Spiritual.  Many hit bottom when these things all collide. A greater health issue leads to less income and less income puts a strain on a relationship and spiritual life becomes nonexistent. I began to struggle in all of these areas. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I quit meditating and abandon my spiritual practices. Physically I began to pack on weight which in turn affected my health. I wanted to feel bad. I wanted to look bad. How can I look or feel good when my baby died? Part of me died when Phil died and I didn't want to be here anymore. I did some heavy lifting in my life to really look at how I was operating. When I looked it was a victim mentality. A selfish mindset. It was all bullshit feeling sorry for myself. 

I call Bullshit on Myself and You can too!

I would tell myself, it would be okay if I was gone because everyone was already sad. It's not like it would make them sadder. Bullshit. I would hear bullshit in my mind whenever I attempted to justify. I had trained my mind to call myself out on my bullshit. Paul could find another woman who would hike with him. Bullshit. Paul didn't want another woman! My family didn't need me. I was so sad all the time, it only made it worse. Bullshit. My family needed me more than ever. Everyone had suffered a loss. I was going to die anyway, why not just do it now? Bullshit. It was a chickenshit way out and very selfish and self-serving to boot. Does this mean I have a judgment on suicide? No. It means I have compassion. I had a toolbox full of tools and was still contemplating how I could cope with this situation. Like going to the gym, lifting weights is hard at first and when you keep lifting and showing up, you become stronger. I decided I would go to the mental and emotional gym daily and face the sadness head-on and defeat it. I am a strong person with a strong mind and plenty of mindset tools and if I couldn't do it, no one could. I pushed through. I talked myself off the ledge daily. I fell to the floor and allowed myself to feel the overwhelming pain. In the end, it is always up to me. I choose life.

The Price of Being Real – Resistance is Futile

Today was not a fun day. Sometimes I have days like that. On days like this, my brain says, keep these emotions all to yourself.  After all, I don't want to be that bummer, negative friend. You know, the drama queen. The crier. The one everyone talks about.  The sad friend. The friend who is needy. 

I don't want to be judged.

How the Velveteen Rabbit Became Real

This takes my mind to the childhood book, The Velveteen Rabbit.

When all the playthings the children had loved and played with were old and worn out, the Magic Fairy would come and take them and make them "real". In the book, the rabbit became "real" when he shed a tear. He became "real" when he became vulnerable.  When he showed emotion. Not when he felt emotion when he showed it to others. 

People often tell me, Michelle, you are so real. 

When I first was told this, I wasn't sure what it meant. After all, we are all real, right?  We aren't stuffed animals. Then it occurred to me what they really meant to say was, I was visible, vulnerable, transparent, not faking my emotions. We can all tell when someone is not presenting from a "real" place. Basically, we know when someone is full of shit or acting.

I have noticed it is hard for people to be "real" in our culture. It's the new catch phrase. Real. I read about people being real and see people posting information on Facebook about being real. I also hear people talking about how wonderful it is to be real. To be transparent. How wonderful it is to be vulnerable. Wonderful? Hmmmmm. 

Real doesn't feel wonderful to me. It feels emotional. Angry. Sad. Guilty. Hurtful. Mostly scary. Something I have noticed is people TALK about being real. I simply don't experience a lot of them actually BEING real and vulnerable. Why?  For me it goes back to those same emotions. I am afraid to be vulnerable. There's judgment when you're vulnerable. There's judgment when you are mad, sad, negative, scared or anything less than a flawless perception of perfection. There's a risk of rejection. A risk of loss. Some people will go away from you because you're too negative. Some people will go away from you because they can't deal with your sadness, your neediness or grief.  People will go away. It's uncomfortable. What I realized is, people will always go away.  Real or not.

Vulnerability is not about Unhappiness 

It may sound as though, for me, being vulnerable and real is about unhappiness. It's not. It's about showing my humanness. Happiness is just one of many emotions. Emotions are just that. Emotions. It is we, as humans, who put the judgment of positive and negative on them. It's bad to be sad. It's good to be happy. It's bad to be angry and so on.

I am a happy person for the most part. At least that is how I see myself. It's not about being happy.  Happiness, like all emotions, is fleeting.  Peace is a state of being. Peace is a place within my spirit that I can go and simply BE. Feeling all emotions, happy, sad, angry, joy, frustration, worry, and sharing them is what makes one "real".  For me, life is about developing coping mechanisms that can bring me inner peace.

Becoming the Observer of My Emotions

Emotions come from my resistance to what is and my thoughts about "how" I am resisting it. My judgments to my own resistance. Today, I was a whiny little bitch.

In August, I had my left thumb operated on and now it's about 70%. That's really good compared to what it was when I started, so, I'm happy with that. Last Friday, I had my right thumb operated on. The surgery went well and is considered a success, so, I'm happy about that. There's not a lot of pain and no signs of infection, so, I'm happy about that. I have plenty of food to eat, so, I'm happy about that. I have a nice car to drive, so, I'm happy about that. I have an amazing home to live in, so, I'm happy about that. I have a ton of friends who are supportive and a loving family, so, I'm happy about that. So you see it isn't about being happy. I am happy with many things in my life.

Why am I emotional and being a whiny little bitch when I'm happy with so many things in my life? 

Because I'm human of course. 

What Happened Today – the Emotional Meltdown

I woke up and stumbled into the kitchen, grabbing my glasses off the night table. I made myself some coffee and started to get ready for my day. Doing things with one painful and recovering hand is a challenge. Most days Paul is around to help me but today he's at work.

I look down at my toes. I haven't had a pedicure in weeks. Good thing I will be wearing my shoes today and no one will see my toes. I groggily drag myself into the bathroom and begin the process of undressing with one arm to get into the shower.

Once in the shower, I struggle with soaping myself and shaving my armpits. Basic things for a woman, right? Once I finish my shower, drying off is a struggle. I can't get the towel wrapped around my hair.  The frustration is mounting. My left arm is overworked and out of shape. I feel exhausted.

Drying my long hair takes some time and can be a challenge in and of itself.  This morning it became my biggest challenge. When I couldn't get my hair to do what I wanted to do, I decided I would use a curling iron and then promptly burnt my forehead. Not one of my best ideas to use a curling iron with my bum hand. It's okay, I have many "mind tools" from my personal growth training so I talk myself off the ledge and say, you have some cute hats, today is a hat day.

What's Really Going on – Real shows up one way or another

Paul had been doing the laundry for so long because of my hand I had gotten used to him stuffing my clothes into weird spaces. It was like an Easter egg hunt finding my jeans. As I struggle to pull them on, I realize this would be a piece a cake compared to securing my bra.  The frustration and emotion that filled me were surprising. I had been pushing back all the raw emotions over the last few weeks due to the fact that this will be the fourth Christmas without Phil. It will be the first Christmas without Ava. My life had changed so dramatically in the last four years it was almost hard to recognize.

I glanced in the mirror, my left-handed makeup job looked pretty good, considering. I was feeling the frustration mounting as I managed to wrestle into my bra and latch it after several attempts. I had to roll around on the bed to get my jeans fastened. Not because I was too fat but because I couldn't manage to pull together the fasteners with one, bum hand.  Fortunately, I knew just the shoes to wear, they would be quick and simple to put on my feet. As I quickly went from room to room looking for my shoes, I can feel frustration and panic mounting again. At this point, tears were just under the surface. The burning feeling in my throat came and went as I stuffed raw emotion down.

I didn't have time to search for shoes! I vaguely remembered the last time I saw the shoes. It was when I entered the hospital for my surgery last Friday. I remember as we were leaving and Paul put me in the truck, he said, "just leave the hospital booties on, it's fine."

So after a thorough search of the house, I reluctantly pick up my cell phone and punch in the numbers to Paul's work. The familiar voice of the receptionist, (who is naturally stressed and annoyed), answers and curtly tells me Paul cannot come to the phone right now. At this point, I burst into tears. Through the sobs, I managed to tell her I need my shoes, I can't get my bra on right, I can't find my jeans, my hair looks terrible, it's a hat day, I'm running late and I have to go to the doctor. The words tumbled out profusely and sounded like a wounded, wild animal and I begin to apologize profusely. All of this was of course, barely audible because I was bawling my eyes out.  In the back of my mind, all I could think of was the judgment of Paul's coworkers. How his emotionally unstable wife was calling about her shoes and couldn't cope with the most basic things in her life, getting dressed. I envisioned them laughing in the hospital break room about how poor Paul had to deal with this crazy, loonie wife.

The funny thing was that all of the things I had been stuffing we're also there. The continued to struggle and grief of losing my oldest son. The loss of Ava's presence. The lack of our family coming together at Christmas. Missing my mom. Missing my dad. Missing Paul's dad. The lack of Christmas decorations this year. The drywall guy who didn't finish on time. The fact that I'm out of shampoo. The bill I forgot to pay. And on and on and on.

I have always been a fan of Star Trek. My favorite is the Borg tag-line, 'Resistance is Futile'. This is one of the most brilliant lines in a movie. Resistance is Futile. You know why resistance is futile? Resistance doesn't work. Resistance causes frustration, pent-up emotion, roadblocks in our minds.

I have resisted Phil's death. There are moments of acceptance and then I fall back again and resist. Resistance is futile. Philip is still dead.

Everything is different without him here. Ava now lives in Turkey. Our family has suffered tremendously. Broken relationships. Individual grief. Well-meaning friends offering advice on something they know little about and have never experienced. Disdain for the holidays. 

Today was not a fun day. Sometimes I have days like that. I am a human being. I am real. And then I remember, Resistance is Futile.

Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me — not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that my friend is dying…

The comparison of grief. It doesn't work. Although I find it happens often. 

"I know just how you feel about your son." My neighbor began. "The other morning I was out front with my dog and I loved that dog. I saw the car coming and shouldn't have called him. He was across the street and in the neighbor's yard and I called him at the wrong moment and he ran right in front of the car. I felt so bad. I totally cried." 

I stood there and I am pretty sure my mouth must have dropped open at some point. Did this guy just compare his dog to my 22-year-old son? I walked away feeling differently about him.  Mostly, I just didn't get it. Emotionally I felt angry. I felt like he was stupid. Logically, I knew he was a pretty good guy and was simply wanting to connect and let me know he felt bad for me. 

Comparing Grief doesn't Work!

Comparing grief doesn't work. Many of my friends and even strangers have said things like my neighbor said to me.  I love my friends and I know they are making feeble attempts to connect with me and let me know they understand. The point is, they don't. They don't understand and I hope they never do understand. My grief is not better than their grief. Their grief is not better than mine. It isn't about comparing emotions. 

Trying to Box Grief and put it in a Neat Package

Grief is raw. Grief is personal. Grief is something that we make major attempts to define. As humans, we want to rope it in and contain so we can control it. We have even made a "formula" of the stages of grief. Bullshit. I have found it all to be bullshit. There is no formula. No pat answers. No typical. No normal. 

Grief releases all emotions. When there is a loss, emotions won't be corraled. Even if they are stuffed, eventually, they will fester and come out. They will bubble up from wherever they were stuffed and create physical pain, emotional pain, drinking, drugs, or disease. 

Grief reminds me of the movie, Clash of the Titans and the release of the Kraken. The Kraken. It was a monster that, once released, there was a possibility the Kraken could not be controlled.  Of course, the Kraken was always there in the depths, lying in wait. The Kraken could destroy the entire world if released and allowed to roam unchecked. This is grief. Also, if released, there is no way to know if it can be recaptured. 

Grief is not just about the loss of form. It is about a loss of the relationship. A loss of future experiences. What makes it unique is the fact that those future experiences are made up by the griever. This is what makes it so personal. For example, who knows if Phillip would have ever bought a home. In my head, he bought a home and I was the one to help him buy it. This is one of many scenarios. 

The Best Case Scenario of Death 

The very best case scenario in life is that the Grandfather dies. The Father dies. The son dies. The grandson dies. This is the path to the most happiness. When someone dies early in life, it is a loss of future experiences. When someone lives a long life, it is easier to reconcile in our brain. 

As Eckhart Tolle says, all stories are failed stories. In the end, we all lose form. We all die. Suffering is inevitable, and how we respond to that suffering is our choice. 

Getting Good at Grief

The only way to get good at grief is to experience it. It is not something for which you can prepare yourself. You can't get ready. There is no class on how to get ready. Well, maybe there is, I don't know. The point is, even if there was a class like that, it wouldn't work. The emotions must be felt. It is healthy. It is a huge part of life. It is the only thing we can all count on. We have 100% death rate in this world. 

This is why comparing grief is difficult. It doesn't work. The truth is, my neighbors level of grief could possibly be as deep as mine. Perhaps the loss of his dog is a deep grieving process for him. I don't want to judge that. I also don't want it compared to my son and my grief. 

What is the Answer?

The answer is love. It is aways love. Love can be a light touch. Listening. A warm hug. I have found that sometimes I just want a friend to listen. I want them to cry with me and realize that I have lost one of the great loves of my life. There is nothing to do. There is only a way to BE. Just BE with me. I will BE with you. Nothing else matters. My grief is not better than your grief, it is different. That doesn't mean we both cannot be experiencing the same emotions. We have all experienced loss. Let's BE with that and appreciate what we have in front of us NOW.