It has been 7 weeks since you left this earth. So many things are occuring. None of which I see as productive. Everyone is sad….some people involved are looking to place blame. I am really working with this as I don't want to go there. I could go to blame very easily and have from time to time…I just don't stay there. I know how good you had done in the last two years and to have someone slander you
We went camping this weekend. Thought about you a lot Phillip. There is so much going on….you wouldn't like what is going on and I don't think your friend would either. I hope you are at peace. I miss you and so does dad. He crys about it. He feels bad….like he let you down. The girls miss you and so does Sam. He loves you so much. He really looked up to you for guidance. He told me about
Yesterday was not Sad for the most part Yesterday was a great day. I woke up feeling great. I decided I was really doing well with my grief recovery. I thought to myself, I think I can actually work through this and live my life without being sad all the time. Today was mostly Sad That was yesterday….today I woke up and felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I felt sad. The overwhelming sense of
Grief has many faces. Part of grief and the grieving process is to be realistic with myself about my relationship with my son. It is the only way I can recover from the grief. We had our ups and downs. He took his own path when he was about 13 years old. It was not a path Dad and I approved of most of the time. Phil bringing us grief is not new. I am also starting to look at
Love Letters to Phillip started in 1993 when I had this idea of keeping a journal for all the kids. When Phillip died, I realized how much stuff I was holding on to for Phil. I have been keeping a journal for him since he was three years old and yet I never gave it to him. It doesn't have a lot of writing in it, simply things I wrote about and for him over the years. I was waiting
I remember in 1995 when my friend was murdered, I read a book about grief and it talked about the "new" normal. I do think that is a good way to put what happened into perspective as my daily routine has to shift now. Everything has to shift. Nothing is normal anymore. Holidays, the way I shop (because I used to buy five of everything and now I will only need to buy four), phone calls, text messages, the way
I am not a big fan of Saturdays anymore. Everytime I think of Phil's accident I remember it was Saturday morning at 10:41 AM. This was the time my son took his last breath. I don't like to think about it. Each week another Saturday comes and goes. I now refer to it as Sad-urday. Yesterday was Saturday. I am glad it is behind me. I know that significance is assigned by me and I am working with that concept.
When Phil was little he was extremely obedient. He didn't always like being obedient, yet, he would comply with what his mother wanted. When the kids were little I used to tell them that happiness was an inside job. I had learned with my oldest daughter that making them sit in timeout for a specific amount of time didn't work so, I came up with the idea that they were in charge of the time frame they had to sit.
Yesterday I slept most of the day. I did work over the weekend yet I find that I am so very tired all the time. I suppose this is part of it and it can be draining to cry and mope around. I went to a Real Love meeting last night. It was good information…concepts I have been working with for over five years so that was promising as these concepts do work. I don't think I was very supportive
Today was a rough day. We received the Death Certificate. On the line where it says cause of death it said, extreme trauma and burns to 100% of his body. Another meltdown for me. I felt sick when I read it and crumpled to the floor and sobbed. Parents are supposed to get BIRTH Certificates…not DEATH Certificates. I also had to go to the bank and close Phil's checking account. That wasn't so bad but I wanted to get the