Love Letters to Phillip started in 1993 when I had this idea of keeping a journal for all the kids. When Phillip died, I realized how much stuff I was holding on to for Phil. I have been keeping a journal for him since he was three years old and yet I never gave it to him. It doesn't have a lot of writing in it, simply things I wrote about and for him over the years. I was waiting for the perfect day to give it to him. As I said, the journal was actually started in June of 1993 and he was born in 1990.
I call these writings my love letters. I guess now it is formally Love Letters to Phillip. Maybe this will be the new name of this blog. I sort of like it. This blog was initially set up for Phil as a memorial page and it is turning into my private platform to get my thoughts and feelings out about his death and the pain I feel. Back to the journal.
The entries were typically written early in the morning while I did my quiet time. I used to homeschool the kids when they were little and I would get up very early to get some time to myself to pray, meditate and just be alone with my thoughts. This is when I would write in their journals.
There are also various little things wedged between the pages. I have his little finger prints inside a small card…it has his photo on the outsie and there is a chart inside where we took his fingerprints. It has a photo of Phillip about four years old with his shirt buttoned all the way up to the top. I remember at the time I really didn't want to do this as I had to make my mind go to a place of envisioning him being kidnapped and murdered…why else would they need these fingerprintes to identify him? I hated the thought and almost didn't go through with it at the time.
I wish I would have started this book for you earlier.
You are my first born baby and I will tell you there is no bond stronger than that. I love you so much. I hope you will always know that.
When you were born I wanted to hold you all the time and that really hasn't changed much. You make me happy with everything you do. I have enjoyed every stage of your life.
You are such a good boy. You are nice and friendly and so smiley! Everyone loves you Phillip.
You are really starting to talk now and you say some funny things. I'm going to keep this journal throughout your life to give you when you get olders so I can record important dates and let you know just what you mean to daddy and me. I will try to record things that I think will be of intrerest to you. God loves you beautiful boy!
As I paged through and read some of the entries, I flipped forward to the last entry and I don't think he ever got to read it. I never wanted the journal to get lost in a young man's move from this apartment to that one or destroyed. I have always kept the journals from the kids. I think now I am going to let the other kids read their journals as long as I know the book doesn't leave the house. I think it is important for them to have moms perspective.
The last entry reads:
10-2-2011 (This was also a day Phillip lost one of his close friends…I really wish he had read this)
The best gift you could have given me is to allow me to be there when Ava was born.
You are doing a great job raising her. It is hard work raising a family. Always do what is best for her.
Now you know how much I love YOU.
Time goes fast…do what you love without destroying your life.
I love you Phil! You will always be my little Phil, Phil.
When Phil was little his little brother Sam would always call him Phil Phil. So the name sort of stuck with us.
I look at the other things I was saving for him. Why didn't I just give them to him? I felt he wasn't stable enough…he moved a lot and I thought he would lose things in the move and it is probably true. He has had friends call and tell me he left stuff at their house. Still, I wish he had gotten to enjoy some of the items I was saving for him. I wish he had read this journal to see himself through my eyes.
I miss you Phil, Phil.