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7 Weeks after Phil

It has been 7 weeks since you left this earth. So many things are occuring. None of which I see as productive.

Everyone is sad….some people involved are looking to place blame. I am really working with this as I don't want to go there. I could go to blame very easily and have from time to time…I just don't stay there. I know how good you had done in the last two years and to have someone slander you is more than I can handle right now. 

I should have made you paint that weekend. I needed the help and you would still be alive. The shoulds and the coulds and the I wish I had's come up a lot. So many of them. Dad is heart broken. He feels he left you down in your life somehow.

I just know that the only thing that matters is you are not here. I miss you. I have recordings of your voice. Remember how I used to tell you I wanted that? I wanted you to call my voicemail and tell me how you loved me. I wish you had done it…I am not happy with you about that Phillip. You assured me nothing would happen and now it has….I wish I had been the one who was wrong about this.

I want to hold your sweet face in my hands again and look you right in the eye and tell you that I love you. I had done it before…I want to do it again. I am sure you know….I just want you back….nothing will bring you back.

In a few days it will be 8 weeks. How is that possible? I haven't done anything for 8 weeks. Well…that is sort of not true. I have painted every room in the house. I have helped dad remodel…cleaned out drawers…I have been eating…a lot. I am up over 15# from where I was…none of my clothes fit…I don't even care. I just want you home. Nothing is filling the void. Nothing. I have drank more wine, eaten more food, shopped more and was on facebook 24/7. None of it dulled the pain of you being gone.

I love you Phil, Phil.

Love, Mom

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