Grief recovery, loss of child, healing after death & loss 

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Sad One Day, Happy the Next.

Yesterday was not Sad for the most part

Yesterday was a great day. I woke up feeling great. I decided I was really doing well with my grief recovery. I thought to myself, I think I can actually work through this and live my life without being sad all the time.

Today was mostly Sad

That was yesterday….today I woke up and felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I felt sad. The overwhelming sense of dread fell upon my mind almost as soon as I opened my eyes. I began to sob loudly….my body shaking and making noises that no mother's body should make.

I guess this is what they mean when they say day by day.

The Baby is Sad too

Even my great, sad-free day started to slip away at certain moments yesterday. All day I didn't feel sad. I was proud of myself and kept giving myself kuddos with my internal dialogue. My 20 year old son came over last night. I had not seen him in a couple of weeks and I missed him so it was good to see him. The baby was here and she kept saying Da-da, Da-da, Da-da. I think she equated her Uncle Sam with her dad. It was sad. She would go from room to room and knock on the doors and say, Da-da. I felt my heart slipping back into the sad pain.

Later in the evening Paul and I were sitting there with our three younger kids. Our oldest girl, Marie, was Paul's daughter from a previous relationship. She was not here and all of a sudden it occured to me that if Phil was here, all four kids I had given birth to would be here. I felt so sad. Now there were only three. I started to cry. Sad was back. It creeped in like a theif.

Many people have asked me how my kids are doing. Of course they are sad too. Their greiving process is much more private than mine and some of them are disappointed I am going so "public with my grief". One thing my mother always taught me is to be real. I am sad. It is just where I am at with Phil's death. I don't feel like I bear all on facebook. From my perspective there are some things I still hold back.  If I were really to get vulnerable…I would post about my kids and their experience, the issues with the accident and how now attorneys are involved. I might even dig into what is going on with the babys mother and I. Of course, this now involves other people and for the most part that is where I draw the line in the sand.

I get sick of the fake people. They have one photo that has been on there for seven years because they don't want anyone to see they are old and fat. Who cares? I mean really, just be real.

I Yam Sad.I always liked Popeye the Sailor Man because he would say, "I Yam what I Yam."  I sort of feel that way. I don't feel like I need to act like I am not sad or like I am something I am not…eventually people would see the real me anyway. They are going to see I am sad. I am not going to put on a happy face because they feel uncomfortble with me being sad. It is interesting the reactions from various people when I tell them I have lost a child and I am sad. Some want to avoid the topic. Some want me to be happy so they tell me a joke or give advice. Others are super supportive and bring a meal. Some offer hugs, while others come to tears themselves. I have had two men ask me how Phillip was doing. It was almost like they couldn't hear the information. I said he died. They looked at me like I had two heads.

We have a neighbor who was talking about her goats and kept talking and talking and finally I turned to Paul and said, "Will you please tell her what happened as I simply can't listen to her anymore." I probably didn't need to be so rude…but you know the worst part…she mumbled something like, that is aweful and then went right back to rambling about the goats and using our pasture. I listened for about a minute and walked out of the room and said, "I can't do this with her anymore." Duh. I don't care what you do with the stupid goats you stupid woman. Did I mention anger and frustraion is apparently part of my sad, grieving process?

I am human. I have bad habits. I make mistakes. I have anger, frustraion and pain and most of the time I don't wear any makeup. I like to sing around the house and much to my families dismay…I don't sound well…or at least that is what THEY say…I think I sound great. I have been drinking too much wine in the evenings. It adds to the problems and I don't care. I feel a little self distructive but before you freak out and get all worried…I am not going to stay here…I am just having a little pity party….I don't know how long it will last….right now I am just enjoying it. Sort of.  Paul says it is my ego. I don't give a shit what you call it. I am punishing myself and I am sad. Part of me doesn't want to go on quite frankly. Only I wouldn't do that. The show MUST go on. Eventually I will love myself again. That is why I can confidently say, I won't say here. I don't always like myself…I do most of the time though. And that is the goal. I want to like myself and be okay with the human condition in which I find myself….even when I am sad and grieving.

So my grief is my grief. I am a mom who lost her son and I am sad. He was my baby. I gave birth, fed and cared for him. Changed his diapers…taught him to read and write, and to dress and feed himself. I taught him to talk and be helpful and kind to others and to explore the world and be in nature. I taught him to be a dad and to change diapers and he would call me for parenting advice. I remember he called me one morning in a tizzy. Mom…there is something coming out of the babies vagina…it is like little gel balls. I think something is wrong with her. I could hear the panic in his voice. Ended up…her diaper was really wet and she picked at it and the gel from inside the diaper was coming out. I loved it that he loved her so much. I loved watching him love her. I miss him.

I also taught him to lie. This one I am not happy about and I didn't do it intentially. I would talk about being honest and I felt I was a good example of honestly then I would make it so difficult for him to be wrong that he would never let me know he did something "wrong", he would lie. This is a regret I want to share with other parents. Don't be so harsh…most of the things we have energy on isn't even important, the stuff is just stuff…you can replace it. Looking good for other people…who cares what they think if your kid picks his nose in church or makes a scene at the grocery store? This child and what you are teaching them about loving themselves is most important and the time goes fast. You have one shot. Before you know it…they will be grown and you will get to see your result….what do you want it to be?

Love is key. Just love them. Laugh. Have fun and enjoy your children. I am going to take my own advice. We are going up north with our girls this week….only for a couple of days. There is no moon and we like to stargaze. I remember one time we stayed in a cabin at Holly Lake and we took the bedspreads off the bed and put one on the ground and the other over us….all four of us laid under the stars and saw falling stars and satellites. It was so cool….we stayed out there for hours and I loved it. We laughed and talked and cuddled.

I hope someone does something different with their children after reading this. It would be the best gift ever to know someone let go of their anger in that moment of rage because they contemplated what it would be like without their little son and did not worry about the stain on the carpet. Or maybe when the kid is telling you a great story with his / her elbow on the table…you just ignore it and listen intently instead….what would that look like? Stop correcting every little thing. It doesn't matter…I am sure he / she will learn to not pick their nose in public without you ever mentioning it.

I cannot tell you the depths of the sad pain I feel for the loss of my son. The sad is so deep.  Deeper than anything I ever hoped to feel. This journey is for a lifetime. I thought I would have another jorney and yet this is my path. I don't wish it on anyone and it is what I have and I will make lemonaide out of the lemons I have been given.

Now….stop reading this and go look your kid in the eye and tell him at least 5 things you absolutely adore about him or her. Do it in honor of my Phil…do it for me.

I Yam, what I Yam. I hope you are too!

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