Grief recovery, loss of child, healing after death & loss 

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Home Uncategorized I miss Phil!

I miss Phil!

Saderday night. Yes, I know I spelled it Sad-erday instead of Saturday. It is the day of the week Phil died. I am hiding out at work. Working 14 hour days so I don't have to miss Phil. I miss him so much I cannot breathe. I mean I seriously have a real problem breathing. They say it is asthma. Really? At 49? I guess it is possible. Spiritually they say that lung problems comes from unresolved grief. Hmmm. I could certainly see that in this case. It started when my mom died. Unresolved? Well…I would think it wouldn't be grief in the first place if it was resolved…of course that is just me.

It is so hard to go on without him. How do I do that? I can work a lot and do my daily activities and then when I wake in the morning or go to bed at night…I think of him. When I think of him, I focus on the good times and then I realize, he is gone. I cannot cry another tear…or so I think, and then the floodgates open.

I wonder if he sees me? If he does, he wouldn't like it that I was so sad. He would want me happy.  I think of this and then I get angry at him for leaving. The baby looks and acts so much like he did. He was the best baby ever. He minded and was happy. He gave me no trouble. She is the same way. He wanted to be with me and go with me and learn and play. Ava is the same way. If only I could spend every waking moment with her….I would.

I know people don't understand what this process is like. How do I know? Because I didn't understand. I would say….oh my gosh…that is aweful…I will pray for you…and then I would of course…and then I would go on with my life. They would come to mind from time to time, yet, I couldn't stay there. I feel like I don't have a choice but to be where I am now. I want this grief to be over. All the possibilities I used to consider for his life are gone. He is gone. Accept. Accept. This is what I need to do.

Except that I don't. I don't accept it. It is so final. It is so sad. It is so wrong. I resist it! I resist with my entire being. I don't want him dead. I want him alive. I don't care what he did or the trouble he caused…although he seemed to be on the right track…I want him back.

I want my first born back.

I love you Phil and I miss you with all my heart.

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