Today was a rough day. We received the Death Certificate. On the line where it says cause of death it said, extreme trauma and burns to 100% of his body. Another meltdown for me. I felt sick when I read it and crumpled to the floor and sobbed. Parents are supposed to get BIRTH Certificates…not DEATH Certificates.
I also had to go to the bank and close Phil's checking account. That wasn't so bad but I wanted to get the burnt money he had in his wallet replaced with good money. I had to pull it out of the wallet as the wallet was so badly burned and chard that it was sort of melted in there. As I examined it I noticed pieces of denim stuck to it. Burnt to it. All of his stuff fell out on the floor at the bank…his drivers license, his papers, business cards of people he knew and bits of black ash and charred billfold.
As I gathered my things, I felt I was okay until the woman asked me what she could help me with. Another meltdown. Shit…how often is this going to happen? Am I going to continue to have these meltdowns for the rest of my life?
Today was the final day. The Death Certificate came. Final. He is dead….its official. The place we ordered the Urn from called and said it was in and we could pick it up. Its official. He is dead. He isn't coming back. It was like the final of the final days….it is over. It is real. It happened. You are done. Time to move on.
It wasn't the hardest day of my life. That was September 1, 2012. That was the hardest day of my life. The day I never thought would come. The day I never wanted to come. The day I couldn't even get my mind to go to when someone mentioned they lost a child.
Okay…my personal growth is kicking in again. I have to stay focused on what I do want. I want to be happy. What was the best day of my life? The happiest day? It happens to be the day Phillip Henry Shelton came into this world. That was the happiest day of my life. So how can this one human being be the catalyst to my most extreme emotions? I don't know. I just know this is what is true for me. I have never loved that way before the day he was born. I enjoyed every minute with him. Teaching him to eat…changing him…sleeping next to him…his smell. I never felt like I would give my right arm for anyone. Ever. And then this little, helpless, wrinkled up, old man looking baby, looks up at me and I melt. I am happy. Happier than I had ever been before that moment.
I would not trade this for anything. I would not give up that moment. I would not go back and undo it to rid myself of the pain I feel now….it is certainly tempting…however, I know what I would be giving up. I will go on…I will continue. I have great friends supporting me and I will rise above this….perhaps I will rise out of the ashes….like a Phoenix.