Today was a rough day. We received the Death Certificate. On the line where it says cause of death it said, extreme trauma and burns to 100% of his body. Another meltdown for me. I felt sick when I read it and crumpled to the floor and sobbed. Parents are supposed to get BIRTH Certificates…not DEATH Certificates.
I also had to go to the bank and close Phil's checking account. That wasn't so bad but I wanted to get the burnt money he had in his wallet replaced with good money. I had to pull it out of the wallet as the wallet was so badly burned and chard that it was sort of melted in there. As I examined it I noticed pieces of denim stuck to it. Burnt to it. All of his stuff fell out on the floor at the bank…his drivers license, his papers, business cards of people he knew and bits of black ash and charred billfold.
As I gathered my things, I felt I was okay until the woman asked me what she could help me with. Another meltdown. Shit…how often is this going to happen? Am I going to continue to have these meltdowns for the rest of my life?
Today was the final day. The Death Certificate came. Final. He is dead….its official. The place we ordered the Urn from called and said it was in and we could pick it up. Its official. He is dead. He isn't coming back. It was like the final of the final days….it is over. It is real. It happened. You are done. Time to move on.
It wasn't the hardest day of my life. That was September 1, 2012. That was the hardest day of my life. The day I never thought would come. The day I never wanted to come. The day I couldn't even get my mind to go to when someone mentioned they lost a child.
Okay…my personal growth is kicking in again. I have to stay focused on what I do want. I want to be happy. What was the best day of my life? The happiest day? It happens to be the day Phillip Henry Shelton came into this world. That was the happiest day of my life. So how can this one human being be the catalyst to my most extreme emotions? I don't know. I just know this is what is true for me. I have never loved that way before the day he was born. I enjoyed every minute with him. Teaching him to eat…changing him…sleeping next to him…his smell. I never felt like I would give my right arm for anyone. Ever. And then this little, helpless, wrinkled up, old man looking baby, looks up at me and I melt. I am happy. Happier than I had ever been before that moment.
I would not trade this for anything. I would not give up that moment. I would not go back and undo it to rid myself of the pain I feel now….it is certainly tempting…however, I know what I would be giving up. I will go on…I will continue. I have great friends supporting me and I will rise above this….perhaps I will rise out of the ashes….like a Phoenix.
Im verry verry sorry. I feel so sad and Ezgi is my doughter and AVA ROS is are graund doughter.And I knew watt you feeling.I just I want you kno my heart witth you and with all your familiy.And I promes you will be souport you forever.Im so sorry for all this thinks hapen to us.Whising God make you more stronger and hope youl be hapy with your kids and friends rest of your life.Im sorry my English not verry good!! Hope you understand watt Im writhing:)) Thank you and GOD BLESS YOU!! Ahmet
I wish I could take your pain away. I know that pain, and my heart fills with pain for you too.
The realization of it all doesn't make it go away any faster, unfortunately…but seeing it in writing, in black and white, and seeing those words and his name associated with them, is a nightmare you won't forget. The final realization for sure! You deserve to crumble, and cry, and you need to so your body and mind can heal.
You may have melt downs for the rest of your life…it's true…they may be less frequent in the years to come, but still you will have them. I remember telling you how I was driving to a home inspection earlier this month, and the tears just started running out of my eyes, nothing provoked it, it just came. It happens…it's been 39 months and it still kicks my ass. I know others have commented on how long it's been for them since they lost a child, some many years, and it just shows that we have the rest of our lives to be crushed by this. It's like a nightmare that never ends…My doctor said you can lose a spouse, a sibling, a friend, but you can never recover from the loss of a child. That wasn't very comforting, as my words may not be either, but they are truth!
You are right, you taught him how to eat, crawl, talk, walk, love, from the moment he was born, and even before…my son's wife said something to me about how she loved him more than I did…is she kidding me? She only knew him for ten years! She did not birth him, teach him how to be a little boy, and a man, and give him her heart from the minute he took his first breath. When else in our life do we ever get a chance to carry a baby, and then to nurture it, a helpless human being, that without you would not know how to survive. There is nothing more amazing than to be a Mother. So many selfish people in this world, She moved on quicky and got a boyfriend, yes, he will never be my son, but still she has a chance for another life of happiness, even though he will always be in her heart, but for us, there is no one to fill that void, no one will ever make us happy that way, no child will be our child, we don't have that chance to move on…we can pretend that someone is a great person, at the right time in our life, just when we need it, but in reality, that word again, we are alone, we are broken, and all the what if's and what would it have been like if, and punishing ourselves thinking we could have, should have done something to change the outcome, will not help either of us, or our sons.
I am so glad that you have such great support as you go through a journey that will be your hardest, and longest yet. Be stong, stronger than you ever were, but be weak and grieve, you need to. It is so fresh right now, it has only been days, you have such a long road ahead. Enjoy your meditation room, it will surround you with his love, and take you back to memories only you and Phil have shared.
So much love, and prayers for you and your family.
Your forever sister,
Michelle…gosh this one really had me crying. Just sobbing at my desk and physically ill. I cannot say it enough, I am so sorry. I love that you are sharing this process of a mother grieving with us. It somehow makes me feel a little more human and vulnerable. So often we get caught up in the daily grind and work and forget that we feel. We are human. Life is about so much more! Please, keep sharing.
I think being vulnerable is what our society is missing….of course I don’t want you to be upset at work! I appreciate you letting me know it helps you….I am working through this day by day and it helps me to write BUT I also am happy it is helping someone else to connect with daily life. I told my friend I was going to do something big with this loss of my son…I might call it tune in as I think days go by and people do not tune in to daily life…they don’t look at their spouse when they are talking or they won’t put down their cell phone or get off the computer to BE WITH their kids. If my ramblings help one person do that….it wil be worth it…not Phil’s death….his life.
THANK YOU for taking time to comment and letting me know you were touched. xoxo Michelle