Grief recovery, loss of child, healing after death & loss 

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Home Articles by Michelle The Thursday before My Life Changed Forever

The Thursday before My Life Changed Forever

Two years ago today, Paul and I were dancing with Ava. She was barely walking and boy did she like to dance with Papa and Gigi! She thought it was so cool to be able to spin around and dance.

Phillip and Sam and just moved into their new apartment and Paul, Josephine and I were out on doctors appointments for the followup on Josies brain tumor. We called Phil to see if he was home and he was and not only was he home, he had the baby. We headed over to see both of them and the new place.

It was an ordinary day. Looking back it was one of those days that now seems extraordinary because it was just so ordinary and yet so special. I remember walking out on his deck and talking about all the landscaping he was going to do for the apartment complex. They had agreed to allow him to do landscaping in place of his rent and he was very excited about this. I always called him my little entrepreneur. He would find jobs and make money doing all sorts of things.

Paul and I had worked hard the previous year to regain our health. We had both released a lot of weight and we able to keep up with the baby. We turned the music on and danced. All of it is on video…all of it except Phil. You can hear his voice in the background and at one point he puts his foot on the table and you can see it. We were focused on the baby.
That Thursday we spent two hours with our son. I had no way of knowing it would be my last time with him. When we left, he was holding the baby and I gave him an awkward hug.

"I love you Phil." I said.

"I love you too mom." He replied.

As we were driving away, my mothers heart must have known at some level. I told Paul to stop the car. He stopped and asked what was wrong. I told him I needed to go back. He looked at me as if I was crazy. Then he asked why.

"I need to go back and hold Phil and tell him how much I love him." I said

"You just did that." He said.

I said, "No, I need to do it good. I didn't do it good because he was holding the baby."
"He knows you love him Shelly, it is fine, plus we are going to be late for the movie." He said.

I thought about it and agreed. It did seem silly. I was just there. He knew I loved him. Why now?

My answer came two days later when the police showed up at our home. It seems like yesterday and yet it seems like it has been going on forever. It is such a draining experience

I have worked a lot today. I want to avoid the thoughts. I know that significance is assigned by me. Today is just Thursday, right? The Thursday before the Holiday weekend. Just another day.

For me is the Thursday before Phil died. The last time I ever touched him or saw him. It has significance to me.

Just an ordinary Thursday. That's all it was and yet it is more special to me than most other days. It was the last time I heard his voice, touched him, smelled him. I hope today when you are with your kids you will stop to smell their hair and allow your hug to linger. You never know when your ordinary day can turn extraordinary.

I love you Phil. Love, Mom

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