A new day….today is a new day. In my personal growth and coaching I often work with people to see what they want to see and create what they want to create. The funny thing is many people tend to focus on what they say they don't want….so guess what…that is then what they create. What they DON'T want! This is because, whatever you focus on in your mind is what grows from your mind.
I have been resisting the death of my child. I have been angry as you can see from the photo I have included. See the big wrinkle between my eyes? That is from anger.
I have screamed in the street. Melted down in my front yard. Melted down in many places for that matter. I have denied it. Been angry, blamed my husband. Blamed myself. Even blamed and been mad at Phil. Have you ever heard, what you resists persists? If not, watch me as I have been a prime example of demonstrating this for the last month.
I want to work on the healing side of this. I want to focus on the healing process. I want to move forward. Phil is dead and gone and his physical body is not coming back. God it is hard to write that. I miss him. I love him. I want him here damn it! He would stop by the house and we would go to lunch. He was my son. He was my friend. I liked him. I enjoyed him. He was funny. He was kind. He was compassionate. He always watched out for and supported others.
He left behind him a very large wake. A baby. A broken relationship. A family. Friends. Co-workers. Unpaid bills and he even took out a title loan on his vehicle the day before he left. Nice. One last opportunity for me to be mad at him some more and then I get to feel guilty for being mad at my dead son AND then I get to beat myself up for feeling guilty for being mad at my dead son. Lord this process stinks. Yet the more I resist it…the more it persists. *SIGH*
So the healing begins. I feel so sad, as you can see from the enclosed photo, and yet life starts to go back to normal for most people. They have felt my pain for nearly a month and it has been agonizing for them to feel it even for a few minutes a day. They don't have a knowing…they know about. They allow them self to go there for a few seconds and then they stop and feel the deep, deep sadness they would feel if they lost their child and their mind will not allow it. It is my reality and my mind still will not allow it.
They still drop by my Facebook page to see how I am doing because, after all, they are my friends. They send me virtual hugs, maybe something funny, a poem about sons and then they go on about their day. How do I know this? Because I too have done this. I have known people who have lost their children and there really isn't much that can be done. And it does get depressing after awhile to even read about the families suffering. There is one woman who I even unfriended last year because I simply couldn't read about her dead son anymore. She was grasphing at videos and photos of him….now I have a knowing.
I understand. I really do. I wouldn't stay here either if I could get out of it.
I had a real estate agent call on a piece of land I have listed the other day. We talked for nearly five minutes and I told him I would get some additional information to him…all I needed was his name and phone number. He said his name and on came the meltdown. Guess what his name was? Phil. Oh My God…are you flipping kidding me?
What is a mom to do? I am reading spiritual books. I have talked to a medium. I have talked to pastors and I have a wonderful Pastor's wife who has been calling and I can't bring myself to even pick up the phone. I myself have meditated and gone into my mind and brought Phil in to talk to him. In my mind….it's just not the same.
I have to start focusing on what I want. I want to heal. I want to be happy. I want to look like the photo posted on the right. Happy. I want to talk about my other children and what they are doing in their life. I want to go on walks with my husband and coach others and sell homes. I want to be a service to others. To be productive.
So I will ask.…what can I do for you today? This is how you can help me. Allow me to check out once in awhile and have down days and allow me to be productive too.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. At the end when it is my time and there is a spiritual life on the other side…I have no doubts Phil will be there to greet me. I can wait until it is my time….and then I will tell him once again how much I love him and what a great dad he was to Ava. I will tell him how much I missed him and how glad I am to see him again. I will tell him how strong I had to be because of him…how he made me a better and stronger person when he left. I will tell him to be proud of me for all I had to muster up to go on without him and his charming chuckle. Until that day…I must live. I must go on. I must thrive.