I remember the last time I saw and held Phil. It has been two weeks today since I last saw Phillip. He had just rented a new apartment and Paul, Josephine and I went over to see it. He had Ava Rose with him and Paul and I sang and danced with her. I have a video to post on it…unfortunately Phillip wasn't in the video….only Paul, Ava and I. I can hear his voice though.
When we left I gave him a hug and told him I loved him…we went out the door and I told Paul I needed to go back and give Phil a hug and tell him how much I love him. Paul looked at me like I had two heads and said, you already did that Shelly. I said I need to do it again. He said it's fine, Phil is fine. So I didn't go back. If I could share anything with you it is to follow that voice in your head that tells you things like this. Remember, there is often more than one voice in your head. I am talking about the one that is a nagging little voice that tells you what to do when it doesn't really make sense. I wish I had gone back, it still wouldn't be enough. It still wouldn't make me feel any better….it is the other voices way of beating me up. I will not listen to that voice…..the one who wants me to feel bad. This is my ego…the ego wants me to feel pain.
Phillip knew how much I loved him. A couple of days before he died he said, I love Ava so much. I said now you know how much dad and I love you. He said, yes, I do.
Miss him. I always will.