The Cremation on 911
It seemed appropriate that September 11 was the day my son was cremated. I don't know why…it just did. He was born on the 4th of July, died on Labor Day Weekend and it just seemed like his life was always revolving around some sort of important date.
I never knew anything about cremation. In Nebraska we always had a family plot. When I go home, I always visit the cemetary and I knew nearly everyone in it. It is sort of a bitter sweet visit. It is nostalgic and usually I am shocked at some of the names I see as I had no idea they had passed.
With Phillip he told me he wanted to be cremated a couple of weeks before his death. I actually brought the subject up for whatever reason. I said, I don't want to be put in a box…he said, me either! Just cremate me mom. I told him he had to outlive me and he would be the one taking care of me.
I always knew. I knew for many years Phil would not be with us long. It is that nagging feeling I had. I never wanted to believe it and I always just wrote it off to a mothers intense love and worry for her first born.
We all met at the crematoriam, they walked us through the mortuary and out the back into another building. We signed a waiver for something, not sure what. Then we went into the room and there was a box taped together. The box my son was being stored in. A large cardboard, coffin if you will. There was a big machine with the door closed and they explained they would fire it up and then open it and he would go in. My husband said we could all say out goodbyes and then go out before they put my baby into the fire. He had already been burnt…I don't know if I could handle any more fire on him.
We left and went to breakfast and then went to another place and bought his urn. It was with a sense of sadness I got through the day. When I got home we popped a movie in and I was fast asleep in nearly five minutes. I slept most of the afternoon.
It was a long day. Tomorrow will be near the end. We will pick up Phillip's billfold (what is left of it) and we will pick up his ashes. The urn is on order and we will have it in a week.
My grief is immeanse today. I had some distractions and I was greatful. Everywhere I look I see Phil. I hear his voice. I smell his smell. God, I miss him.