Emotion. It is laying in wait for me to have a thought. It springs from my subconscious and fights with my brain. Today I slept. I don't want to sleep so much…at least this is what is logical. I find that I am awake at night and sleeping during the day. I feel so drained. Part of me feels like I have been doing pretty well working through this…and then, what does pretty well look like in this situation?
Removing the Emotion from the Process
When I have high emotion my husband pointed out very logically that people die all the time. Mothers lose sons, daughters lose their babies…entire families are wiped out sometimes. I know this is true…still…it is ME now. This sounds selfish I know. The thing is…I never thought it would be me. AND I sort of did. I have always worried about Phil. Always. More than the other kids. He seemed to live more in the moment. He didn't worry about the future. This didn't always work out for him so well. It was sort of like he didn't recognize cause and effect. If I do this…this could happen. Is worry an emotion?
The Emotion of Raising a Child
Emotionally, I struggled with raising him. Typical emotional mother stuff. I read somewhere that young men have something in their brain that doesn't fully develop until they hit their 20's. I could see this with Phil. He was really starting to do things differently. Just small things…things he would say and do. I am sure he couldn't even see the benefits. I could. He loved his baby and wanted to do right by her. He was more in tune to his health. He was more in tune to his behavior. And he was 22 years old. He was just starting to get that thing in his brain. You know?
Phil was filled with emotion for his baby. The neighbor said Phil stopped and talked to him one day while he was having a garage sale. Phil wanted his baby to be smart and he bought the Baby Einstein series from the sale. The neighbor said Phil talked to him for some time about these tapes. Phil told me about them too. He wanted Ava to get into music. She is so musically inclined. He wanted her to have that. He had so much emotion when he looked at her…when he held her.
I Miss His Smell!
I can still see Phillip. I smell him. I hear his voice. It is like his presence is everywhere in this house. I see his car in the driveway. I imagine him coming through the door in the evening and telling me about his day. My husband said his dirty laundry is starting to smell in the guest room. I wouldn't let them wash it. All this comes from emotion. The logic of my head says wash the damn laundry it stinks. My heart says…NEVER!
For over two years I have had no sense of smell. I took one of his shirts out the other day and wrapped the baby in it…she buried her face in it and took a deep breath….then she went lax and just laid in my arms. She smelled him. She misses him too. She has gone to calling Paul Da-da. We tell her this is grandpa….still she says, Da-da. She looks for him. She points at his pictures and says Da-da. I am surprised she still remembers him after two months. I suppose it will fade eventually. She adores her Uncle Sam who Phil lived with. When Sam comes over she wants him to hold her and she lays her head on his shoulder and just lays there with him. She cries when he puts her down.
How do you Help Babies with Emotion?
I want to comfort her. I don't know how. She is not old enough to explain and what would I say anyway..nothing anyone says to me makes me feel better. I don't even know how to comfort myself. Nothing matters to me much anymore. People say, you have other kids. Duh. I know this. I love them. I just have no juice left right now. It is like I am out of gas or something. It is hard to make myself go. Paul has it too. He talks logic to me but I see him doing the same things I do. Illogical stuff. Sleeping. Eating. Drinking. We call this STERBING in our Grief Recovery.
Emotions are a funny thing. In the long run…they really do run everything. When emotions are not complete, they run the show. I am working with my emotions right now. It makes people uncomfortable. They are afraid to talk to me…they don't know what to say. Why do we always feel like we need to say something? How about just being with me. Our culture doesn't have a clue about emotions. Why are we so afraid of emotions anyway?
I think real communication comes from emotion. I have communicated with more people through emotion now than ever before. It is something I will not ever be able to control. I find that I have more control of my emotions when I just feel them and get complete with them. After all we are emotional beings, are we not?
All I know is I miss my son. I miss him a lot. I love him. I am mad at him. I am disappointed, I feel guilt and sorrow. I am happy to have the baby. I am so incredibly sad. I have all of this emotion. Some of these emotions make sense and some don't. I want him back damn it! I just want him back.