383 Days Without My Son
Today it has been 383 days without my son. 383 days since my Phillip took his last breath on earth. People talk about the journey of losing my son. I have a hard time wrapping my head around that at times as I feel like a journey has some goal or purpose that I would move toward. I think of the Lord of the Rings when the word journey is used. They had a goal, a plan, they set out to accomplish something. This "journey" so to speak is to get through another day so I can tick it off my list. Another day of breathing. Another day of grief. Another day of mourning. Another day of muddling through.
Prior to Phils death, I could tell you exactly how to be happy. I had been studying personal growth so long that I had the answers. Happiness is a decision after all, you simply choose to be happy. It is that easy. Funny thing is, I still know this to be true and I am not doing it. I don't want to be happy…this is easy to see based on my results.
Why? Why Me? Why Him?
There are all sorts of thoughts and emotions that go with this process. For me there is guilt that I am a bad mother if I move on…if I express this I get all sorts of advice and comments on what my son would like for me. I always find it interesting that so many people, many who didn't even know him, know exactly what he would want. I suppose when I look at it, no loving son would want his mom to stop her life and just be sad all the time. Grief is personal though, isn't it? In reality, am I grieving for him or for myself? I tend to think I want to feel sorry for myself. Why me? Why my son? Why the way he died? Why, why, why? The interesting part is when you ask the brain why…it tends to search for an answer. It doesn't' really matter what the answer is as the problem will never be solved. He is still dead.
Those of you who read this will know…at least, if you have ever read any of my writings in the past, that I am rambling. This is the first time I have not been able to put my thoughts in a logical pattern on paper. My thoughts are all over the place. I am operating more from an emotional place than a logical place.
Lost My Motivation
I have always known that I drive my life. I have always been able to find a reason to do so..until now. I am not seeing the point of it all. If I make a ton of money I can travel and have some false sense of security. I can provide things for my children. None of this brings happiness. I have always been able to drive myself and motivate myself and so many people have told me how self motivated I was. I always found this strange because I think that is the only kind of motivation there is…no one else can be my engine. At this point I feel as though my engine has run out. Perhaps there is no gas in it and it is temporary. I hope so. I want to run again. I want to motivate myself. At this moment, I don't even want to type anymore. I want to get up from this computer and go back to bed and sleep it off. That is it…it is like a really bad hangover and I just want to wake up when I feel better.
Personal Growth in the Tough Times
My well intentioned personal growth friends want to tell me how to do it. Some are just there for support. I love them all and have no bad feelings toward any of it. I just can't be and do what they want right now. I look around and think….I don't want to stay here…and then I find myself staying here. I say I don't want this to define my life and I have to laugh….how can it not?
And So it Goes….
I want to move on. I want to be like I was before and it so quickly slipped away. I have lost my figure from over eating and drinking too much. My health is in decline from not only eating and drinking too much but from not taking care of my mind. Not sleeping enough or some days sleeping too much.
Something has got to give….stay tuned as I know I will find my way. I want to…I really do. I have no goals, no direction and no accountability. It is a dangerous combination. Time for bed…I made it through another day…and so it goes…