February 2013 – A Mother’s Journey of Grief & Loss

Missing my Son

Posted on 25 February, 2013 by philsmom

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Wow Phil. It has been almost six months since you died. On March 1, 2013 it will be six months. It is also 3 years March 1st since my mom died, Grandma. I never expected to outlive you though. I did her. I am working with the new reality I have now. It is opportunity for healing. It is opportunity to get close to others who loved you. That is what you would want…I am sure of it. You were such a loving young man…you were pretty cool. Missing my son.

My Baby…my Foxhole Buddy…my Son…Missing my Son

I remember when they first placed you in my arms. Oh my goodness did we have a rough time getting you here. I was so excited and scared at the same time. I don't know how many hours I was in labor, it seemed like forever and I was so tired. When you finally came, you were brused and had an odd shaped head from being stuck so long. I remember this like it was yesterday. Missing my son.

My Gradaughter's Birth…Missing my Son

The opportunity to be there in the room with you when Ava was born was so awesome. I am still in awe that you and Ezgi trusted me enough to be there with you. I don't know why you wouldn't trust me…it is just sort of weird to have your boyfriends mother there, I suppose. I was so glad when she changed her mind and you called us at 3 AM. I was so very excited. This is one of my greatest memories of you! I remember when you were watching her come out the birth canal you kept saying, "Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God…" and then I smacked you in the back to bring you back to your surroundings. It was so funny and I thought it seemed like a kid thing to do….this was a new era in your life…a new time…one step further into being a man. Responsibility like no other. Missing my son.

My Son…a Dad…Missing my Son

I worred about you being a dad. You had struggled so much to make ends meet and stay out of trouble…all of a sudden this responsible young man was emerging. I loved seeing you with the baby. I loved seeing how you lit up when you saw her and how you would rock her at the house. I loved how you would put her in bed with you and snuggle. She is so loving. She is so much like you were! She says, "Hi" to everyone. Missing my son.

I remember you following the nurse around to watch every thing she was doing with Ava. You were already protective of her. Then when you held her…you looked into her eyes and then looked up and giggled…then you looked back at her and then the tears came…tears of joy. I so treasure this memory and will share it with Ava always! Her daddy loved her so and wanted her so and he cried when he first held her! You were so attentive to Ezgi too! Helpful. Many dads arn't and you were….you watched the baby and cooked and cleaned and even decorated the house. Going through your stuff and seeing household decorations, it's sort of funny….I like it. It was one of the things I loved about you. Missing my son.

Phil, I really miss you. I always will. I promise I won't get stuck in your death. Your life is what counted to me. All the moments between the first movement I felt inside my body, right up until you took your last breathe. I have been mad at you for dying. And just like in life, I never could stay mad…the smile you would flash and hard time you would give me…"Why do you want to be mad Mom?" Missing my son.

You were a calming force for me for sure. I am having to learn to calm myself now. It is more difficult as I am highly emotional and I don't have that outside perspective you gave me. I wish I could hold you one more time and hear your voice. I have several recordings of it…I listen to them while driving and sometimes when I am at the house alone. I loved that laugh. I am glad I told you how much I love it right before you died. Ava has it too…sort of a giggle. Missing my son.

For all you dads out there

Posted on 3 February, 2013 by philsmom

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For all you dads out there…I want to share what I see happening. I want to share what I experienced happening. Of course this is not ALL dads…I am using it as a blanket statement because I know dads are busy making a living. They are focused. They want their sons to grow up and be able to support their families as well. The thing is…your baby boys need your attention too. They need hugs and nurturing. They need to be recognized and held and whispered to and loved. Of course you love them…well all know you do. The thing is…do they feel loved by you?

A Committed Dad till the End

I was at a funeral yesterday. It was for a five year old boy. This young boy was sick since birth. He had lost oxygen to the brain. Poor decisions were made and they nearly lost their first born child….a son. I listened to the dad speak about how much care he gave his son. 24/7 is what it took to keep him alive for five years. A strain on the family. A strain on the marriage. Yet, this dad stepped up. He was not only there to support financially, he was there emotionally and in everyother way to care for his son.

Sometimes Dad doesn't Know

I was wearing my boots and they have high heels…because I had been at a video shoot prior to the funeral, I was running late and by the time I got there it was standing room only. I stayed for most of the funearl and then retreated to the front room. There was a sofa and a mother with a six month old baby girl. She was playing with her and rocking her. When the funeral was over, dad appeared with his three year old son. I watched their interaction. The father constantly critisized the boy. Don't do that. Get over here. Only one piece of candy. What are you doing? Be quiet. The boy continued to seek out dads attention and the father would look over him and around him. He seemed like a good dad. He clearly loved his son and family. He didn't know what he was doing. The boys head would sink lower and lower each time. You could see his little frame hunching. It was clear to me…his son wanted his love and attention and he was too busy.

Pay Attention!

My husband rejoined me and we waited out the line to speak to the family. As we sat, my husband leaned over and said, "Watch this dad with his boy."

"I have been." I replied. "Why?"

"I just wish I could tell him to pick him up and hug him. Hold him. Be with him. He kep shushing him in the Chappel. He is too harsh on the little guy. He doesn't know." He said. "It is like he is ignoring him. Mom is in tune…dad is not."

"You should teach men how to be with their families." I said.

We wre quiet then and both watched a while longer. I considered telling this young father something. But what?

Paul told me he had a dream the other night. Phil was just a little guy. He said it was at our old house and he came in and all the kids were little and they were all there. He ran over and grabbed Phil and picked him up and held him and said, "I love you Phil. I love you."

He said everyone was confused because he feel to the floor holding Phil and saying, "I love you, I love you, I love you Phil." He laid on the floor and just held Phil while the rest of the family watched. Finally he looked up and said, Phil is going to die when he is older, yet still young. I am so sad about this.

I thought of the dream. How many times I had watched Phil sleep. I remember feeling guilty because I would tell him to go to bed and I would be in to read him a story and by the time I got the dishes done…he was fast asleep. I missed those moments with him. They were opportunities. I don't care about dishes. As a matter of fact, I hate doing dishes….dishes are always there. Phil isn't.

I would do a better job if I could go back. I would hold each of my children more. I would spend one on one time with them. I would look them in the eyes when they talked. I would turn off my cell phone. I would BE with them. Of course I cannot go back. What I can do is tell YOU to do a better job. Read them stories. Talk to them. Teach them. Don't spank them. It doesn't work. I did it….I did it in a very logical way….it was not done in anger..yet, it injured their self worth. I would teach them in love. I hope you will read this and change some things. Call me for ideas…read books…listen to tapes. Be the very best parent you can be. You only get one shot and it goes fast.

I love you Phil. I want you to know I think you were a great kid. I enjoyed seeing you grow into a man. Thank you for loving me inspite of my failings.

MOM

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