Grief recovery, loss of child, healing after death & loss 

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Michelle Shelton 480-577-8272
Home Articles by Michelle 1498 Days without Phil

1498 Days without Phil

It's Fall again Phil. The weather is beautiful. The trees are lush and green, and in Arizona, will be for at least another month. I look at the sky in the morning and I look at the sky in the evening. I am always looking for signs from you.

No Christmas without Phillip

1498 days ago, you left. It seems like it just happened and yet I am about to launch my fourth Holiday season without you. I haven't put up a Christmas tree or decoration since. This year, I suppose I will drag out the decorations and spruce this place up a bit. How can it be 1498 days?

How Long will it Take?

Each day I wake up and I think of you. I fall into bed at night and think of you. Losing a child is so strange. It is the pain. It is like an open wound that will never heal. I keep hoping for a scab to form. Even when it does, I pick at it. I suppose one day there could be a scar that perhaps I will just touch and remember. How the heck long is it going to take?

Directing My Emotions

Dad says we are badasses Phil. I think I can get behind that when I look at our results. Though, it is tough to find meaning again. Everything seems so small in comparison to your life. Fatigue comes and goes. No rest for the weary is what they say. Whomever "they" are, they are right. I feel weary and tired most of the time.

On the other hand, I am grateful. I work with this daily. I am in charge of my emotions. I am in charge of my life and I do not want to live in sadness. Directing my emotions is way more difficult now with this than the small, trivial problems I thought I had before. 

Sorry Phil, I Don't Care what You Want!

Well meaning friends and acquaintances remind me, "Your son wouldn't want you to be sad." Sorry Phil, I don't really care what you want. This is about me and I am a mom and you don't know anything about being a mom. I'm not upset at friends and qcquantnaces, it is their way to avoid the uncomfortable fact that sometimes I will visit the sadness when I speak of you. I will always speak of you to anyone who will listen.  I also know if they lost their child FOREVER, they would not want to hear such a pat answer as your child wouldn't want you to be sad. It's too pat. Cliche. Perhaps I am being too hard on my friends. I know they only want to support me. Still I wish our society was more in tune to grief. We should could support each other. It seems like something we know nothing about.

Random Memories of Phillip

So many thoughts of you. What a strong name you had. Phillip Henry Shelton. A kings name. Random memories. Remember the times you went to Bisbee with Joey and loved it? Dad and I finally went. We took Ava. Ava. She is so beautiful Phil. Her mom took her to Turkey.  Another loss for us. Our Fridays and Saturdays used to be filled with love of Ava. She would call me at work on Friday and say, "Gigi, are you done yet?" She couldn't wait to come over and hang with us. Now we sit at home and don't do a whole lot on the weekends. Everything is different with you gone Phil Henry. I wish it wasn't so and I wish you hadn't gone.

1498 days is too long. I know it is just the start. I miss you Phil and wish you were here.


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