Today is April 14, 2013. It has been exactly 226 days since the police came to my door and told me my baby left this earth. I don't know how I have gotten this far down the road….I have put the hurt on my health since he died. I was probably in the best shape I had been since I was 25 years old and now…I am in the worst.
The human brain is a powerful thing. With all the personal growth I have come to know and teach, I still find myself giving in to the whims of my ego. The ego always wants us to suffer. I have allowed my ego to take hold and now I have to crawl back out of the hole I have dug for myself. Most people say they understand why I would do this…because after all…we are all human. We know how the mind can trick us into the suffering when something tramatic happens.
So many people say the same thing, "I cannot imagine what it is like." Well, sometimes it is hard for me to even describe what it is like. The initial shock and saddness was nearly too much to bear. It all came so sudden and he had so much to live for…the baby, his youth, his family who loved him. Even as I type this…it is still difficult for me to accept that he is gone forever from this earth. I will be an old woman and he will still be 22 in my mind.
After the initial shock and saddness there is sudden outbursts of saddness. I think of him every moment of the day…every street I see, car, even a song can remind me of him. Everything. I have watched each family memeber grieve differently. Some shut down. Others power through. Others yet are "the strong ones". I have tried to stay at the top of the wave and ride it. Whatever I feel, I feel. It doesn't matter if I am at the grocery store or at home, the tears come.
Now that has been 226 days. I still have this constant feeling of dread. Sort of like, who's next? I mean, if this could happen to Phil…which one of us is next. I strongly dislike this feeling….I fight with the demons in my head to not even go there for a second. I am sure it would be the end of me. My husband points out…it wouldn't. It is yet another tactic of the ego to keep you suffering.
I know sufferfing is optional. It always is. I find my brain (ego) wanting to say, sure it is….we will see. Go ahead and try to be happy. Then you would just be a bad mom. How can you ever be happy again?
It is easy for me to go with this thought of course…because, well, I sort of wonder if I can be happy. AND I know that in order to teach personal growth…I must live it. I have to be happy. Why? Because I can. I can choose to be happy. I watch Phil's baby who lives in the moment. She will cry one mintue and be happy the next. Happiness is possible…..even for a grieving mom.
I hadn't been writing lately and there was no reason other than I thought it had to look a certain way. I need to have my writings Search Engine Optimized…they needed photos and great titles. Then I said, what the hell are you doing, you are writing to help others and to mostly help yourself…to get through this. So that is what I am doing. Writing.
I miss my son. I love him. He was a great kid and I enjoyed all the stages of his life. I am thankful I had the opportunity to know him. I wouldn't give that up for anything. Even if it would get rid of this pain I feel daily.