I started this post months ago and didn’t finish it. I want to share it with you now.
He is Sam
Having only one son after having two sons for so long is a strange feeling. I have been appreciating my son, Sam, more than ever before! I enjoy his antics. I enjoy his voice, expressions and his quirky personality. He is not really like Phillip at all. He is unique, he is Sam.
That Sam I AM
I think of the book, Green Eggs and Ham. It is one of Ava’s favorite books. I read it at least 17 times a day when she is here. That Sam I am, that Sam I am, I do not like that Sam I am. Why? Because Sam is persistent in getting the Cat in the Hat to try something new. That would be my Sam! He is always talking to me about food and trainers and things I need to know. That Sam I AM.
The Admired Sam
When I think of Phil, I think about how much he admired Sam. He looked up to his little brother and wished he could be more like him. He told me several times how cool he thought Sam was and how he wished he could be more like Sam. He is right, Sam is way cool. I am so grateful I have him. I admire him.
The Amazing Sam
Today I want to write about Sam. He writes music. He plays guitar. He attends leadership classes and he has deep discussions with his mom and dad about Spiritual truths. He shares his thoughts on the Universe and how he thinks it all works. He applies deep thought, he reads. He is in college. It is fascinating to hear how his young mind works and processes the world around him. I cannot imagine the world without him. Sam is amazing!
The Annoying Sam
Sam also eats all of our food, makes messes in the kitchen, he sleeps over at the house and doesn’t make his bed, he throws his towel on the floor and he teases the girls until they call out, “MOM” and…it may sound strange but these are the things I often miss about Phil…the normal, every day stuff. I miss it about Sam when he is not here. I cannot imagine my life without Sam. Sometimes I feel very annoyed by Sam!
The Entertainer Sam
Each child has a place in the family…they contribute something. Sam is the entertainer. He makes everyone shake their head and laugh. He will dance in his underware, tell funny jokes, play guitar and make up funny songs. He will joke with and wrestle with his dad and they play fight. He is fun and truthful and he is a driving force in the world. I am excited about his life. He is an entertainer!
Appreciating What I do Have
Now with Phillip gone, I appreciate Sam much more that I did before. I had a very deep and special relationship with Phillip. It is difficult sometimes when I am in the midst of sadness to appreciate what I do have in this moment. I have to train my brain to see things differently. The special relationship I had with Phil, sometimes shadowed the relationship with Sam. Big brother would always fill the gap between him and mom. Big brother would fight his battles for him and also smooth things over for him. Now he has to do it on his own. So do I. We are learning this new dance called life and how to master it. We step on each others toes from time to time and then find our way. I appreciate Sam.
I am looking for the good in my life right now. I am searching for purpose and a reason to go on. I need and want to find the joy that is there waiting for me to recognize it. Sam is one of those joys. He contributes to my life. He is a huge part of me and my heart. Just as Phil was. I am so happy Sam is my son. He brings me a lot of joy.